W: Starts R talk Me: Talking about the relationship makes me feel really upset. I would rather we do not continue this talking about this subject. If the subject carries on I am going to have to remove myself from the conversation and talk to you later.
Oh hunny no.
If you shut her down immediately you're not hearing the information that you probably need. We really see 2 kind of WS around here the ones who won't talk about the relationship at all and the ones who will absolutely under no circumstance shut up about the relationship. In either case if you have the mental wherewithal to sit through it there's usually pertinent information in there, about their state of mind, about where you stand, about what they're next move it. Sometimes just sometimes little nuggets of truth about where you might have been failing her in the MR previously. If you can successfully actively listen and validate and she wants to talk about the R you gotta let her do it.
If you can't handle listening to it you don't announce it. She's well aware of the fact that she's upsetting you. Clearly your feelings aren't exactly on the top of her priority list right now, so what is the point in a drawn out explanation of why you can't participate in a conversation? You find an excuse to leave the conversation. You change the subject. You find a reason to leave the house. You flat out tell her unless it's about the kids or the household you're not having that conversation right now.
Boundaries are not usually articulated they are actions used to protect your psyche. Yes you do have to articulate some boundaries but those are almost always physical boundaries like, "You are not allowed to sleep in this bed with me as long as you're entertaining the idea of sleeping with other people." And you have to be very careful that your boundary are things that you won't do not things she's not allowed to do. She is not welcome in the bed because you won't sleep next to her, not she isn't allowed to sleep next to you as a punishment. It should be ONLY about you respecting yourself more than to lay next to a person who would rather be laying next to someone else. Boundaries are about you. Emotional and mental boundaries don't need to be articulated to the other person because it isn't about them it's about you. What you are willing and not will to do or participate in. If you don't want to have an R convo don't have it. You don't need a monologue listing why or giving her an ultimatum over a conversation. That's not a boundary. That's control. This is very nuanced and it's a little hard at first, but the key is, you doing what you need to do for your well being, NOT you trying to control your W or the situation.
Originally Posted by scaredA
She seems to have no interest even in looking after the kids at the moment. If I do not put them to bed she lets them sit up till midnight. She spends no time on the kids homework, even though one of them is really struggling in school. I find that I cannot sit idly by with this and devote a lot of time to the kids, which just lets her have more time to go out in the evening. Not sure what to do.
I'm not real clear on how you don't know what to do. Be a father. Put them to bed, help them with their homework, and worry about you. You're W's husband not her dad. If she's going to go out, she's going to go out. You trying to stop her is going to build resentment and contempt. More than she already has. On top of that you'd rather your kids be neglected so you can control your W than pick up the slack and do what needs to be done for them? Your kids and you are your top 2 priorities right now. No amount of treating you're wife like a child is going to stop her from doing anything or save your marriage. Nor will it give your kids the stability they desperately need. Step up and stop prioritizing your pain over your kids.
Originally Posted by scaredA
Previously I would have tried to convince her she was wrong. Would the ideal balance now be not to detach completely, but to not initiate the vast majority of conversation?
I'm trying to be sensitive and bridge the cultural gap here, but you're not making it easy.
First of all do you want to be right or do you want to be happy? Do you want to prove a point or do you want peace. Ask you're self that every day multiple times a day. I think you need that.
Stop over thinking your next step. Detach. Let her start the convos. Worry about you. GAL. You want a chance at recon you need to accept you have control over only one thing in this situation and it's you.
Originally Posted by scaredA
I'm trying to do nice things because I have been so distant for a long time and this has hurt the MR and the kids. Ultimately I want the nice things to become part of my core, so that I am not doing them to be nice, I am just doing them because that is what I want to do.
I call BS. Sorry. I'm not seeing any evidence to point in the direction you're trying to steer me. You're doing nice things because you think you can nice her back. And that my friend is a payoff.
If you really want kindness and generosity to be part of your core you spread that every where you go. And you focus it a lot on those little people of yours.
