All of these posts I see very little GAL (I think you said you went out for a few hours one night.) So let me ask you, when is your next GAL activity? Just you going out with friends, her staying home with the kids.
I went to the cinema tonight. I plan on getting up tomorrow for a jog and I am arranging to meet a new friend at the bar on Friday night. Tomorrow with are both taking the kids canoeing on a prearranged day trip. I will just spend my time there focusing on the kids.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I know you are working hard on self-improvements. That is great, except are you doing that for you or her? Are you making these self-improvements to be the best version of you? Or are you doing it because you want positive reaction for her? What if she was against you going to IC? Would you stop? I know you mentioned she supports it, but what if she didn't? Stop making decisions based on her. Do things because they are best for you and your kids!
Thats a good question. I hope it is for me and the kids. I have noticed I am doing 180s with the kids, even when she is not around. As for IC, I was going before she knew about it. I will continue going even if she stops supporting it.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
And finally, learn what detachment is. Work on it. Stop being so on the hook to her and her emotions. Learn how to be happy yourself, regardless of her and her state of mind.
This one is real difficult. I really need to read up on detachment so that I can disengage my mind from her mind.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
You mention her and her state of mind, ALL THE TIME! "We went to bed not in a very good mood." "She got upset...." My reaction each time is: SO WHAT? She lost the opportunity to be happy or upset about things related to marriage when she slept with someone else. SHE should be the one begging to come back. She should be the one working to come back to the marriage. Until she sees what life without you would look like, she will continue to cake-eat.
So I am not really sure how to approach this. I assume I should just focus on myself and stop worrying what her reaction is. Although I should still avoid the four horsemen.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
No LBS has ever come here and regretted DBing. The LBSs that have come back here and expressed regrets were the ones that refused to take the advice they were given. "I wish I had listened" is stated by more LBSs than I can tell you. It is your situation, you get to decide how to handle it no matter what anyone here says. But I can tell you that trying to nice your WAS/WS back will not work. So you DB. It may make her mad. So what. You aren't trying to DB to please her, you are trying to DB to do what is best for you. She will either change her mind and want to come back to the marriage, or she won't. But you standing up for yourself will command respect either way. Remember, you teach people how to treat you. So far you've taught her to treat you like garbage, and she can do whatever she wants. That is the dynamic you have to start changing.
And the start of this will be setting some boundaries?
Originally Posted by SteveLW
An attractive scaredA is the one that refuses to accept bad behavior. Next time she starts an R talk, just make an excuse why you cannot have the discussion and walk away. Next time she protests that you are going out and she has to stay home with the kids, listen and validate. Then go out! If she ever says "buy me this or I am leaving", your response should be "do you need any help packing?"
There has been no request to buy stuff or she is leaving. She asked for the bag as the start of our communication beginning again. To be honest I do not believe she would ever leave, she cannot get a divorce in this country without my approval and she cannot move out as she cannot afford it. So she will just carry on cake eating and trying to hook up with other men. To counteract that I really need to set some boundaries. In your example above with the R talk, would this kind of thing be acceptable.
W: Starts R talk Me: Talking about the relationship makes me feel really upset. I would rather we do not continue this talking about this subject. If the subject carries on I am going to have to remove myself from the conversation and talk to you later.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Please read sandi's writings here. WWs in particular require a tough love approach. Read sandi's 37 rules. I kept a copy of them with me at all times. I read them daily and studied them to memorize them. Start putting them into practice, you will feel much better for it.
