I feel another option is to calmly "handle it", listen/validate. Vets from the past called it "putting on your raincoat" and let the venom fly and roll off you like "water off a ducks back". It takes self control to do this, especially if your "normal" interaction was to argue. This may be a sign of strength to her. Just another option. I would love to here Wayfarer views on this.
I'd be on board with this if he was a little further along in the process. If he can sit there and take it without internalizing it, I'm for it. But the fact that he's still so deeply attached and his actions and reactions are attached to hers I don't know if this is something worthwhile right at this moment.
I know I did this with my H more than once. Even when I was still pretty raw and attached. But I was able to do so because I had to do with my step-father and exH a lot. It's very hard to not take things to heart or personally or worry they are using this as points against you for what ever reason. And if you're not clear headed and strong it's very hard to maintain the direction of de-escalation. Also there's always a chance they take this as something other than strength. A WS can (and we've seen it) as you being pathetic for just sitting there and taking it. Or in my case with most men I've been in heated arguments with behaving like this I was seen as being a patronizing b!tch. You have to be in a place mentally and emotionally where what's going through their head isn't of a concern to you. Where just getting that conversation deescalated and ensuring it is as productive as possible are the only things that matter.
If SA is there, sure. Let's raincoat away. If not, this is more so a goal instead of tool. When the time is right it can be a tool.
