He said raise her voice. I've learned that can mean a lot of things to a lot of people.
For my exH raising my voice would be me getting so heated and reacting to him I would literally scream. He would poke and poke and poke until I got there so he could prove to himself that I was crazy, irrational, and clearly not as logical and calm as him. It's a type of gaslighting. It's a fun party time had for all.
For my current H raising my voice could be something as little as me rising to meet his decibel level or having a little heat behind my words with intonation never actually raising my voice.
First and foremost a person has to self assess. Am I perceiving this worse than it actually is? If so why?
If it's not reactionary and is what's actually happening and she's a yeller, there are simple solutions:
She comes in yelling "I'm going to need you to start over." Usually it's disarming enough they will but if not you say "Ok so we'll talk about this when we can speak calmly to each other." And then leave the room.
She raises her voices even if you're calm: "I'm not having this conversation if this is how it's going to go." And let her play out how it's going to go if she screams walk away if she talks move on.
You raise your voice and she reacts, possibly disproportionately: "I'm sorry, I got heated. Can we rewind?" And then repeat what you yelled but calmly. Once again let her take the lead. If she continues screaming walk away. If she's calm you stay calm.
Just like boundaries you don't need to announce every single time "You can't talk to me like that" or "I won't be spoken to like that." Showing your boundaries with your feet is equally if not more effective.
