Unsure where we are going

[detachA]

I am not saying that at all. I am saying to give her space, think about your values and focus on you and the children.

Im trying to give her space, I have only spoken to her once today and that was after she asked me a question. I am going to go to the cinema tonight.

What do you mean lay down the law?

I don't think I can say, you cannot go out, or you have to stop seeing other men. She will just argue and do it anyway. I think those discussions need to come further down the line

This is most likely because the cat is out of the bag. She doesn't have to hide it from you.

She still wasn't talking to me once the cat was out of the bag. Remember she was the one who said she was seeing someone else. We still didn't speak for three weeks after she first told me. She has since said that she told me because she was sure that I would grant her a divorce if I knew. She now says she is confused

So you think it is as easy as "i have been a good boy, you can stop your affair now'?

No I think it is more off showing her that my behaviour is changing, ie stonewalling, defensiveness, criticism and general nasty words. If she can see that if is permenant, she may make the decision to work more on the marriage. She may also not make that decision. In that case I can say I tried and have changed myself so that I do not carry those habits over into another relationship.

So give her time and space and focus on you.

That's what I am trying to do. I am trying to stay out of her face and not initiate R or affair talk.M Sometimes I slip up like the other night.

This is true. What I said to you was my opinion after hindsight. I once held on tightly to "I tried everything".

I may also regret it with hindsight, but I feel I need to try. I am doing 180's, GAL and LTR as much as I can.
The one time she spoke to me today she asked for some cream for my younger sons mosquito bites. I told her to give him an anti-histamine as the doctor had told me that last time. She started to raise her voice and said "What do you mean, do you think the dr fixed it. I bought some cream last time and that fixed it". I was about to argue and say "Well thats what the Dr said". However I thought why bother and I said "So can we use the cream you bought again?". She lowered her voice tone and said "I will go an buy some". I think this is a real 180 compared to how we used to talk to each other.

You are in a tough spot. She knows she has the upper hand and is quietly enjoying every minute of it. You have to have some kind of boundaries or you will get walked all over. Start small. You won't tolerate her talking to you about how sex with another man was great.

Ok I have been reading about boundaries today. I am going to develop some tonight and post them to see what you all think. I dont really want to go for the full "You cannot see other men or we need to separate boundary" just yet. As she was the one who wanted the divorce I didnt think this will bother here at the moment. I think they are going to be more around the "Im not happy when you talk about this..., so I need to remove myself from the conversation" type boundary. Your idea above will probably be one of them.