Unsure where we are going

[SteveLW]

Of course it does! She gets to go off, meet men, have sex, and then come home to play house. She gets to have her cake, and eat it too.

Look scaredA, I know you're trying. But your problem is right in your screen name. "Scared". Fear is your enemy. It will make you do things out of weakness. Like buying here an expensive handbag to get her to stay. You have to start focusing on you and your kids. Quit focusing on her. I know that is difficult, but it's the only way you'll ever move forward. Most WWs will cake eat forever if you let them. At some point you have to realize that being D'd is better than being walked all over.

I don't really get what you and LH19 are saying. Are you saying I shouldnt try to change things up as she is a lying cheater and I should just go straight to divorce?

I understand she is currently having her cake and eating it, but at the moment I have no leverage to lay down the law. My understanding with LRT is that if I make small changes to my behaviour, as I am trying to do, she will automatically make small changes in the way she responds to me. I can see this happening already, two months ago she left the room when I walked in, now she is sitting across the lounge from me as I type this. There was full on talk of divorce and leaving two months ago, now she says she is confused.

Will these small changes not build on each other until at some point in the future we can see that things are not going to improve any further or it will reach a point when we can discuss her behaviour.

I really love my wife and my kids and want to do everything I can to prevent a divorce. The divorce can either happen now, or 1 year, 2 year in the future. It will still be a divorce. But at that point at least I can hold my hands up and say I tried.

Am I really being walked all over for trying to repair the damage?

ScaredA, the mistake you are making is a common one with LBS. You are doing things, then gauging her reaction to see how to proceed. That is focusing on her.

And yes you are getting walked on. I know you think her "confusion" is a positive. To me it means that plan A (affair partner) is gone, so she is confused because she doesn't see a current plan A. She will fall back to plan B (you) grudgingly, but if you think she isn't keeping an eye out for a new plan A (ie another AP) then you are kidding yourself.

So if you want to sit and be her safety net, let her continue to behave the way she has, and not move forward with your own life, let me ask you: is that attractive?

And no, moving forward isn't running straight to D (though no one would blame you if you did!), but it does mean you stop all of the playing house stuff. No more staycations. No more buying her expensive things. All of these posts I see very little GAL (I think you said you went out for a few hours one night.) So let me ask you, when is your next GAL activity? Just you going out with friends, her staying home with the kids.

I know you are working hard on self-improvements. That is great, except are you doing that for you or her? Are you making these self-improvements to be the best version of you? Or are you doing it because you want positive reaction for her? What if she was against you going to IC? Would you stop? I know you mentioned she supports it, but what if she didn't? Stop making decisions based on her. Do things because they are best for you and your kids!

And finally, learn what detachment is. Work on it. Stop being so on the hook to her and her emotions. Learn how to be happy yourself, regardless of her and her state of mind.

You mention her and her state of mind, ALL THE TIME! "We went to bed not in a very good mood." "She got upset...." My reaction each time is: SO WHAT? She lost the opportunity to be happy or upset about things related to marriage when she slept with someone else. SHE should be the one begging to come back. She should be the one working to come back to the marriage. Until she sees what life without you would look like, she will continue to cake-eat.

No LBS has ever come here and regretted DBing. The LBSs that have come back here and expressed regrets were the ones that refused to take the advice they were given. "I wish I had listened" is stated by more LBSs than I can tell you. It is your situation, you get to decide how to handle it no matter what anyone here says. But I can tell you that trying to nice your WAS/WS back will not work. So you DB. It may make her mad. So what. You aren't trying to DB to please her, you are trying to DB to do what is best for you. She will either change her mind and want to come back to the marriage, or she won't. But you standing up for yourself will command respect either way. Remember, you teach people how to treat you. So far you've taught her to treat you like garbage, and she can do whatever she wants. That is the dynamic you have to start changing.

An attractive scaredA is the one that refuses to accept bad behavior. Next time she starts an R talk, just make an excuse why you cannot have the discussion and walk away. Next time she protests that you are going out and she has to stay home with the kids, listen and validate. Then go out! If she ever says "buy me this or I am leaving", your response should be "do you need any help packing?"

Please read sandi's writings here. WWs in particular require a tough love approach. Read sandi's 37 rules. I kept a copy of them with me at all times. I read them daily and studied them to memorize them. Start putting them into practice, you will feel much better for it.