Hoping things are getting better

[detachA]

I was thinking exactly that--I was baffled that you took an interaction where you were connecting romantically, and started apologizing for your shortcoming. In my experience, confusing behaviors like yours come from a confused mind. I've been there. Do you want to reconnect romantically? Maybe you have not figured that out. Figure that out. Then, the next time, you can either move in for the kill or walk away depending on what you actually want from your marriage now.

I think you are right. I was confused that she put herself in that situation and I didn't know how to react, so I just let my mouth blab. Going forward, I am going to try and practice what R4C said above. My job is just to listen and to take action.

I don't think your situation is hopeless.

Im pleased that you do not think the situation is hopeless. Without making excuses for her, I can understand how she felt lonely and neglected throughout the period I was stonewalling her.

she told you she wanted a divorce, and she told you she was having an affair--hardly the worst of WAWs.

Can you explain a bit more what you mean by that?

I'm curious, in all these R talks, has she said she's done or willing to be done sleeping with other men? Have you asked? Has she come up with or otherwise expressed anything she's willing to do to work on the marriage? How will your own working on the marriage look different before and after third parties are out of the picture?

She has said she isn't seeing him anymore. If this is true, I believe this is more to do with him keeping her hanging, as he is probably seeing several other people, rather than anything to do with her stopping seeing him.
I have told her that we cannot work on the relationship if a third party is involved. She has agreed without saying directly that she will stop seeing men. She has said that she is observing the changes I am making and she can see how hard I am trying. She has said that I should continue in this manner. She has said that family time makes her very happy.

I think at this point she doesn't want to reconcile or show that she is wanting me to reconcile because she has seen it all before and believes that any changes will not last.

Having said that, I can notice a definite softening. She is talking to me, she doesnt flinch if I brush against her arm while we are talking. She lets me hold her arm when she is stepping off a bus or down a large step. She has become more involved with the kids than she has been for ages and she is doing some laundry and housework, which she did not do for a long time. I beleive all these things are a reaction to our relationship dynamic caused by the changes I am implementing by doing LRT.

Walking off to cool down is actually advised by Gottman, whom I know you're studying. Apologizing when you're wrong is great--take care not to over-apologize for other reasons.

Yes the apology was for me raising my voice and walking off. BL42 thinks I was weak for doing this, but may DB coach says I should apologise immediately if I revert to my old behaviours.