Hoping things are getting better

[detachA]

So...as soon as she reeled you in and confirmed she had you on the hook she let you go. She knows she has power over you and can manipulate you with even the faintest sign of a potential kiss. Notice as soon as you showed weakness she pulled away.

You are right, I should have stood up and moved away and not allowed any R talk to proceed.

She got information out of you, which you had been planning to keep secret. Remember tell her generally you know, but not exactly what you know or how you know it.

I need to remember this. But to be honest Im not even going to check that burner phone again, it only makes me feel bad when I see their conversation.

That's pretty weak. She's having an affair and you're the one apologizing...for walking off?

This is more about me trying to avoid sulking off and stonewalling her.

She said I should not be spying or keeping track on her as this will only make things worse.
Translation: she wants you to stop spying so she doesn't get caught. If she wanted to reconcile she'd want you to check up on her to prove to you she's true to you.

I agree I don't think she wants to reconcile at the moment. However, I think I am seeing definite signs of softening. She has agreed that she wants "Me" to work on the marriage and she has said that having the recent family time makes her very happy. Also me oldest son has been acting up a lot recently. Since my wife and I have started talking again his behaviour has been dramatically improving. I mention that this was the case by saying "His behaviour is better when you and I behave better" She said "Maybe", then about 30 seconds later said "Not maybe, definitely". I think if I continue to LRT small steps will build on top of the already small steps that have occurred.

She is MARRIED to you. She doesn't get to sleep with other people just because "she feels she's already separated". That's cheating, period. You need to work on your stonewalling, for sure. An entire year is an extremely long time in a relationship not to talk to your spouse, and it likely won't be healed soon if at all, but cheating is cheating. You're making excuses for her because you want her back. Don't.

I'm not giving her excuses, what she has done is very painful. However, I can see how I contributed to her feeling lonely and neglected over a very long period of time.
Right now there is nothing I can do if she wants to see other men, I am hoping the relationship can be repaired over time.