Hoping things are getting better

[detachA]

The next morning.

I am not sure how much of the previous nights conversation she remembered as she was really drunk.

So we slept in different beds in the same room and the next morning she woke me up by pushing my shoulder and asking if I was coming to breakfast. When I said "Yes" she pulled back my cover and lay in the bed beside me. She gave me a cuddle for about 5 minutes without saying a word. Then she said we had better go for breakfast and got up again. Im really confused by this.

Anyway after breakfast she lay down in her bed and I asked in I could lie down to. She pulled back the cover and lay with her head on my chest for about 10 minutes. We didnt say anything to each other.

We went out and spent the day again sitting on sun loungers talking. I again mostly listened and validated and empathised.

Later in the evening we went for a walk around the hotel, just the two of us.

The next morning, I again asked if I could lie down. She moved over and let me cuddle her and link my fingers in hers. I am going to stop asking for this, I don't think it is helping anything and probably making her more resentful that she cuddled me in first place.

I need to go back to no relationship talk and no talk about the affair.

I'm also not going to look at her phone again, it is only making me feel worse.

As you have all said there is nothing I can say or do to stop her seeing another man. I think all I can do at the moment, is work on myself and show her what she would be missing, be LRTing all the time.

[detachA]

Relationship talks are bad. Relationship talks when drunk are just plain stupid. I can see you are going to have to learn the hard way my friend.

I know it was real stupid.

[detachA]

Do you understand that how a woman "FEELS" in your presence is important. Change your behavior and the way you interact changes the way she feels.

Confusion is good. Keep her confused. Your job now is to listen and validate her.

I thought confusion was good. I trying with the valadation and empathising. We basically spent three days on our own whilst the kids where using the waterpark. I just let her talk and tried to validate and empathise. I can see when im doing it well when the conversation goes something like this:

W: Tells me a story about something/someone
Me: That's ridiculous, you most have been really annoyed/angry/upset/furious about that
W: Exactly

[Ready2Change]

then I apologized for treating her badly by stonewalling.

Obviously, wrong decision. You had many more choices on how to behave. 98% of the time, talking will make things worse. Listening and taking action are your job.

[detachA]

NO, you started the R talk.


W:"Are you OK"
H:"yes"

or


W:"Are you OK"
H:"yes,why?"

I'm not sure is the first or second response better? The second I assume?

[Ready2Change]

I can see when im doing it well when the conversation goes something like this:

W: Tells me a story about something/someone
Me: That's ridiculous, you most have been really annoyed/angry/upset/furious about that
W: Exactly

Perfect.

Now the harder part, what if that someone is YOU?

[detachA]

Listening and taking action are your job.

I need this tattoed to my hand.

Can you explain a bit more what you mean by "taking action"?

[Ready2Change]

I'm not sure is the first or second response better? The second I assume?

It depends on if you want to have a longer interaction.....I think either are fine. Can you come up with others that are acceptable?

[detachA]

Now the harder part, what if that someone is YOU?

So if it is me I should just say this same thing?

I understand how my [put behaviour/action here] would make you feel [put her emotion here]

[SteveLW]

scaredA, there is saying around here: When she wants to reconcile you will know. When she doesn't you will be confused. How would you describe your state of mind right now?