Not gonna lie, it's tough, ups and downs. I keep hoping for a miracle and sudden change, but I know from past experience and from reading all your posts that it doesn't work that way. I'm spoiled that way, I'm too used to getting quick results when I put my head to something. This challenge is bigger than just me, I need to accept and find a way to deal with that.
Yeah there is no sudden changes. No miracles. Either she will turn back slowly with a lot of time. Or she won't. My situation turned around in weeks, but even that was a slow change. When pressed my W was insistent that she still wanted a D. My situation was unique and had some unique dynamics involved. As similar as these situations can be, they are still all different.
"I'm spoiled that way, I'm too used to getting quick results when I put my head to something."
This is what I was picking up on. Expectations will be your downfall in these situations. Avoid them at all costs. Have no expectations. Just assume she is going to continue on the path she is on and start working on moving forward with your life. One thing we know is that she didn't want to stay with the guy you were, maybe if you GAL, work on yourself, and detach she will be interested in the guy you become. But do not do it for her....do it for you!
Originally Posted by costanza
As sad as I am about losing my wife, i'm equally terrified by how much she's changed, and the impact on the children. Relationship wise, I know i'll be ok. I was also contemplating separation when we were both living through the postpartum phases, but then the period between kids came and also before the antidepressants and we were just soo happy, so close to living the dream I/we had hoped for, nice little family, great relationship, amazing families on both sides with great careers/salaries. Now the future isn't looking quite so bright.
People change. It is a sad reality of life. Some change for the better. Some for the worse. Your kids will be okay. Decent human-beings have resulted from worse mothers, so all you can do is be the best dad that you can be! I have a friend whose mom cheated on and left his dad when my friend was 10. My friend is best husband and father today because he despise what his mom did and wanted to be nothing like her. And, in fact, he would (and I assume still would) cut anyone out of his life that cheats on their spouse. He will not tolerate from friends or anyone in his family. So sometimes the impact, though it is a negative event, can be positive on the kids.
I can relate to your "contemplating separation" comment. Funny isn't it? How we humans don't want something sometimes, until we can't have it. In fact, that is the very dynamic that makes DBing sometimes save a marriage. As you start to move forward and she sees you are healthy, happy, fulfilled and doing fine, that might trigger in her a "I want him because I can't have him" reaction. Not guaranteed, but again the key is to REALLY start to move your life forward.....FOR YOU.
And I would let go of the antidepressant narrative. It is a red herring. I came here convinced my W's SSRI's were the cause of our issues. 4 year later she is still on them and our marriage is better than ever before.
Your hopes and dreams were just that because they relied on someone else. Those are never things you are guaranteed to make happen. For instance, what if your W were to die from an illness or accident? That would ruin those same hopes and dreams. We live in an imperfect world and hopes and dreams coming to fruition isn't always up to us. Life is 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react to it! So......
"Now the future isn't looking quite so bright."
Change this! Take control of your own life back and go make a bright future for yourself!
Originally Posted by costanza
My dad just came out of ICU for 4 days, he's been diagnosed with an incurable lung condition which will require major changes to his lifestyle.
This proves the point I just made. When your dad eventually succumbs to this do you think he wants you moping around, sad and depressed? Or will he want you to mourn but then go on to an awesome life? I will pray for your dad, but it is appointed unto all of us to die someday. I will pray that you find peace with whatever the outcome is.
Originally Posted by costanza
I've been better.
So, what are you going to do? BL said it, what are your GAL plans? The LBSs that suffer the most are the ones that do the poorest job at GAL. So don't be that guy!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
