SSRI's and divorce - Wife doesn't love me anymore

[SteveLW]

2- This is not my wife/x-wife! I'm living with a stranger. There are very distinct periods in this 12 year relationship. 7 Amazing years to start, followed by 1st 1 year postpartum, 9 months of normal, 1.5 years of pregnancy and 2nd postpartum, followed by another great year of having my wife back until the start of antidepressants. Every trouble phase was when there was a clear chemical imbalance. The person I'm living with today is wired differently, I feel like I don't know who i'll be leaving my kids with.

We hear this here a lot. Almost every sitch. But the fact you included this tells me you are still focusing too much on her. What she is doing. That she is so different. You also seem intent on the cause. "clear chemical imbalance". All of that is fool's gold. It is like chasing rainbows. It isn't going to help you. The cause is meaningless. Knowing what is causing it will not help you fix it. Fixing it isn't up to you. It is up to her. That is why the advice here is to remove focus from her. Focus on you. Focus on what you can control. You cannot control her brain chemicals. If you could you wouldn't be here.

I feel like i can do the cool, calm and collected guy, that's who I am naturally, but thinking of my kids and abandoning my (real) wife makes me panic. I just feel like there is something more I need to do "turn over every rock". At least if we went to therapy together or if her Dr/Therapist suggested to change or stop the antidepressants well then we'd know it is indeed her making the decision and not a chemical imbalance. I'm not the only one concerned here, her parents are as well.

Fear is never a good motivator. Fear will almost always make you choose the wrong behavior. Do not react out of fear. What I see here is you still looking for the magic bullet. The right thing to say and/or do that will fix it. Fixing this is all out of your control! I think you are like most of us, a fixer. You see a problem, you diagnose it, troubleshoot it, and then fix it. That approach will not work in this. It will only push her further away.

I'm soo torn, I realize every time we have the discussion i'm almost certainly shooting myself in the foot, however giving up on everything is just soo difficult.

Tough times.

Okay this is a common misconception. Not having discussions is not giving up. You are being influenced by what is called the "illusion of action". You feel that if you aren't DOING something, then you are giving up. But here is where you are wrong: doing nothing IS doing something. Sometimes the best thing you can do in these situations is to just back off and do nothing. Focus on you. Pressure and pursuit are your main enemies. Every time you pressure her or pursue her you push her further and further away. So everytime you want to start a discussion, or buy her a gift, or do anything related to her, you should stop and ask "is this pressure and/or pursuit". And if it is then DO NOT DO IT. Do nothing. Here is a hint; almost every thing you are tempted to do or say is pressure and/or pursuit!

So most LBS ask the next question: So what do I do? GAL...like a madman! 180s on bad behavior and instituting self-improvements. (But don't use those as an excuse to pressure and pursue.) And learn about detachment, work on it and get better at it over time. The fact that you are still diagnosing, trying to turn over every stone, and panicked about outcomes means you still have a lot of work to do on detachment. A detached LBSs will do and say the right things. An attached LBSs will do and say the wrong things.