Thank you all for your wonderful advice. I need to continue to work on the validation. I really stink at it. I guess a lot of times I am just astonished what my d says about me and what our relationship was. It’s hard to validate at times when they are complete lies. For example a couple of weeks ago, my d said, isn’t it true your gf does not get along with her parents or talk to them? How would I validate that, when it’s a lie? So I replied, I don’t know where you heard that but your brother met gf’s family the other day. We even went out to diner with her parents and her sisters family. So I am a little confused how you could say that? I definitely needed to clarify that. I know my d point is trying to say that my gf has problems with people, but it wasn’t true at all. Even the therapist chimed in and said d how can you say that when your brother has met them? Then my d backpedaled and said, oh s said he did meet them once. So I asked they why would you say that? She changed the subject. So yes, I feel I need to clarify certain situations. I guess I am not always sure when to validate and when to make a point. Does anyone have any suggestions for me how to make a conversation with my d? I ask about school, example, “Tell me about your last few days about school.” I try and use open ended questions to get more than a one word response. But she still cuts it short. She will respond, “it was ok.” I will say can you tell me something that stood out as funny or bizzarre? She will respond, no. I even tried 2 sessions ago to bring cards. I said let play some cards and chat. She refused. I try not to make it into an interrogation, so I try and tell her things that happened during my day. Nothing. Then the therapist will ask her to speak or say something; then she will attack me about something. Again, usually lies that I can disprove. With either texts, pictures or emails. So again, how do I validate attacks on me? I feel if I would have validated her with theses attacks I would look like a monster. Please help me with that everyone. Definitely a skill I am not good at or even understand. Being attacked with lies and sit there and validate and not defend.
More to come. Huge problem happened at therapy on Friday. My ex is out of her mind. I’ll write about it soon. Thank you everyone for sticking with me.
Hi Wolfman,
Validation has nothing to do with facts--it's recognizing your daughter's emotions like fear, anger, pain, etc. Feelings aren't right or wrong. Acknowledge them. Practice this on everyone. Active listening is where you repeat back your understanding of what someone says to ensure you get them correctly. It may be particularly helpful in turning off your right-fighting.
Originally Posted by Conversation
D: "isn’t it true your gf does not get along with her parents or talk to them?" Wolf: "I don’t know where you heard that but your brother met gf’s family the other day. We even went out to diner with her parents and her sisters family. So I am a little confused how you could say that?" D: "oh s said he did meet them once." Wolf: "they why would you say that?" Therapist: how can you say that when your brother has met them?"
You're so focused on the battle over whether D believes your opinions or your XW's opinions, you seem to be completely missing the battle over whether D wants a relationship with you.
Your D did phrase her maybe-accusation as a question. A simple response might have been, "Your brother and I saw gf’s family the other day. We went out to diner with her parents and her sisters family." Just answer her question by telling her what you saw. The more troubling bit of your dialogue was the "I don't know where you heard that.. how could you say that.. why would you say that?" Are you attacking her for asking a question--discouraging her from communicating with you? Are you trying to attack her mom by getting D to slip up and provide evidence for parental alienation--discouraging her from communicating with you? If your point in these sessions is a legal attack instead of building a relationship with your D, I wouldn't be surprised if mom stops taking her, or requests a change of therapist to one with a more neutral position.
Wolf, I would love to see you rebuild a relationship with your D. As long as you have these sessions, it's possible, so don't squander them on right-fighting. I highly encourage watching the 5-minute video by Brene Brown on empathy or picking up lengthier texts on communication. You can improve the way you interact with your kids. We all can.
