My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

The boys’ conversation with Dad sounds like it went well. Truthfully letting out what was on their minds and in their hearts.

H has listened, remained calm at all times, validated what they said and in the end he aknowledged he has been a completely different person and that he has destroyed the whole family with his actions.

MLCers see with clarity for a bit then return to the foggy dark.

What H has said is completely true. That in itself is a rare moment.

Dad’s open admission of his inner turmoil is an excellent opportunity for the kids’ emotional and mental welfare.

Follow up with the boys. Validate and assure them that Dad actual is a somewhat different person. That past unrealized trauma(s) have risen and will no longer be ignored.

The boys have seen Dad’s duality. The two (or more) different personalities / emotional states living within him. They know it. Now, it’s time to believe it.

There is a difference between knowing and believing. When children, teens, young adults, and fully grown adults actually believe - the whole situation changes. Some of the several things that happen. One looses that self doubt, even though it’s right before your eyes, its unbelievable. Kindness and compassion flourishes. The biggest one by far - they believe in themselves!

I’ve lived this. I explained and confirmed the evidence that is before my kids’ eyes. Yes, Mom is mostly an snarky 18 year old version of herself, can be her 13 year old self, and when pressured even further a small girl of around 7 emerges. And somewhere lost within that maze of pain and emotional troubles is Mom/J.

J is trapped underneath the weight of past trauma(s) and previous unreconciled personalities. In short, she has to grow up from these times / versions of herself.

Your boys will do fine with such knowledge and awareness. With such a belief.

S14 even said that he is thinking of cutting off contact completely.

My youngest son basically doesn’t see Mom. S20 last saw her last Christmas for 30 seconds.

Ensure S14 has the right information so to make the right decision for himself. That’s goes for all the boys.

Knowledge and awareness will lead to compassion and understanding. S14 may not see Dad, for reasons other than hurt feelings.

To my S20, his Mom is just a different person. A person he is not particularly fond of, nor respects. She is a stranger. A person who’s views and morals he would not invest his time is getting to know, if she weren’t his Mom. Therefore, why just because she is his Mom. I can’t fault his logic.

Acceptance and forgiveness doesn’t mean one condones the behaviour. We are just not holding on to a bill that needs payment. Paid in full. We are free. And in that freedom such compassionate decisions are possible. To kindly let go. To believe in one’s self.

Also told me he went to see his mother last night and talked openly about the fact that she's never been a mother and that he's really struggling with himself as a result. She has of course denied it, but he has said that he has no resentment towards her, that the facts are what they are and that this cannot be reversed anymore.

It’s so interesting that H conversed with his parent. Just like his kids did with him. My goodness, that is exactly what he needs to do. We are all someone’s kid. We all have/had parents. H has problems with his Mom. Part of his growling up is standing up to her. Just like his boys just did to him.

H’s future is certainly one of interest.

As of course, is your’s and your boys. Live and love your great lives!

He did say he is having a very hard time because he fears that what he has done in recent years can never be made up for. He fears this will haunt him his whole life and that everyone will look at him differently. Said that is why he has struggled for a long time because he felt like he could never solve this anymore.

Let me come back to this in a second.

I told him that what happened can't be reversed, but that it shows a lot of strength to work on this, acknowledge what happened and move forward in the right direction.

It is pretty cool that H opened up to you. Expressed how he can’t solve this.

He isn’t looking for you to solve it for him either. Remember H is in crisis. He is not a rational LBS looking and listening to advice and suggestions. He is a man driven by his unrealized emotional pains and pressures. A man who is starting to realize them.

Validate more. Solve less.

That’s a difficult thing to do. To let someone find their answers with gentle prompting. H is a scared squirrel and will bolt with too much more pressure. He is accepting the self imposed emotional increase quite well actually; don’t add too much.

Everything you said is spot on. Just say it when it affirms a behaviour he is displaying.

For example: “acknowledge what happened and move forward in the right direction.” H acknowledges his “fears” not “what happened”. And moving forward in the right direction implies his current direction is wrong.

MLCers cannot be wrong. Until they decide they are. Their irrational and emotional brains cannot handle it. They’ve done so much bad to try to feel good - that’s a lot to accept.

That all being said, a few truth darts here and there sometimes helps. I’m sure your 30 minute conversation had plenty of discussion and this was warranted and correct. Just some general feedback is all.

So back to what H said.

He did say he is having a very hard time because he fears that what he has done in recent years can never be made up for. He fears this will haunt him his whole life and that everyone will look at him differently. Said that is why he has struggled for a long time because he felt like he could never solve this anymore.

Acknowledge his fear.

H is in crisis. He wants his feelings acknowledge. And he is feeling fearful.

To me this reads as depression. You know, depression that follows running. The first part of awakening. This whole MLC thing is a glacier slow process. And it stops and starts and comes off the rails and goes back on and so on. Still, listen to what H said.

Fear. Him realizing his fears is quite a thing. A person running from fear doesn’t feel it as fully. And certainly doesn’t try to face it.

He also has another hallmark of depression. The idea of this will never change. The absolute and negative outlook of life. “He fears this will haunt him his whole life and that everyone will look at him differently.”

“…struggled for a long time because he felt like he could never solve this anymore.” Another interesting look into H. Solving is a rational thing. As in not emotionally driven. Attempting to rationalize his emotional state. The precursor to uncoupling the trigger and fear response.

And someone who actually felt like they cannot (instead of could never) solve this would simply see it as impossible. Plenty of progress showing through his words and small show of actions.

Still, words are words and H can change direction rather quickly.

He also apologized for how he's treated me over the past few years, that his monstrous behavior is because he gets stuck, feels he is losing control and then reacts like a little kid who doesn't get his way and that he don't know why he is still doing this.

Gosh, to actually hear those words. What I give to have XW see.

Validate and acknowledge H. “Thank you for sharing that with me. It means a lot.”

(No solving, just validate. )

Not a word about our M, of course I also intend to continue with what has now been set in motion, since we all know he can turn again in a few hours.

Of course, not a word about M. His path is about him. All of his talk is about him. How he hurt you. How he hurt the kids. How he fears. Not how you feel. Remember crisis. And a lack of empathy. He simply cannot - for his feelings are too consuming.

Continue with what has been set in motion.

Give H the time and space to catch up if/when he finds his way.

You and the kids live your great lives.

D