So far, you have not been setting boundaries (strong) you’ve been making ultimatums (weak). A boundary controls your behavior. An ultimatum is an attempt to control another’s behavior. We have a whole thread here on the superiority of boundaries and how to tell the difference. A good rule of thumb—if you have to announce it, if you expect a reaction, it’s more likely to be an ultimatum than a boundary.
So let me see if I have gotten you right. I should just define how I am going to behave in certain situations as my boundaries? For example, I am not going to allow her to shout at me. When she shouts I will just say, I am not going to allow you to talk to me like that and leave the room. No not to announce to her that this is what I am going to do beforehand.
Do you happen to have a link to the boundaries thread, I cannot seem to find it.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
For now, try not to be that stonewalling, defensive, raising your voice, controlling guy she’s known throughout the marriage. If you can’t handle a day out together that’s totally okay— “I need time to process everything and am not up for it today.” Lose points if you silently sulk away or tell her you won’t go as long as you believe she’s seeing OM. Give yourself a few days to calm down and make a consistent plan that aligns with your values with appropriate boundaries.
So, just focus on myself and try and be the best person I can be in front of her? No relationship talk or talk about the affair?
