1) I cannot stop you doing what you want, but you can have him or me and the kids, not both
So far, you have not been setting boundaries (strong) you’ve been making ultimatums (weak). A boundary controls your behavior. An ultimatum is an attempt to control another’s behavior. We have a whole thread here on the superiority of boundaries and how to tell the difference. A good rule of thumb—if you have to announce it, if you expect a reaction, it’s more likely to be an ultimatum than a boundary.
You confronted her without a plan.it’s unfortunate but done.
For now, try not to be that stonewalling, defensive, raising your voice, controlling guy she’s known throughout the marriage. If you can’t handle a day out together that’s totally okay— “I need time to process everything and am not up for it today.” Lose points if you silently sulk away or tell her you won’t go as long as you believe she’s seeing OM. Give yourself a few days to calm down and make a consistent plan that aligns with your values with appropriate boundaries.
