What a wonderful post. I’m so glad you consulted a lawyer. I can see the fear and doubt melting away from here. Knowledge is power. And you look empowered!
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Conclusion is that my case is incredibly strong so I don't have to worry about the kids.
Very good news.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
The children are aware of the fact that we are now effectively getting a divorce, I also confirmed to them that OW2 is a fact, they have asked me about this a number of times and I have been open and honest.
They are relieved. They are more than tired of the situation and apparently want to distance themselves from him already for a long time, but they didn't do this for me.
Yes, children need to get out of the limbo state they fall into. Age appropriate information and knowledge propels them along their path. So wonderful to hear they feel relieved.
And yes, children will behave a certain way for us. Trying to alleviate the situation and our pain. They get stuck in a denial and bargaining like stage of their grief. They become unable to express it out of fear and respect and love and not wanting to make things worse and so on. Good open honest communication let them open their floodgates and let go.
Nice job, stepping out from in between H and the kids. Your job is not to facilitate their relationship. Your job is not to destroy it.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
H is monster again and his cycling is now constant. He can change his mind in 10 minutes.
I suppose the reason for this is the impending divorce.
It’s amazing how quickly they can completely alter their emotional state. Staggering to witness.
The impending divorce is become a reality for him (and you). For until now, it’s only been H’s fantasy idea. He’s dragged his feet. Reality is hitting him, and of course he will run from his emotions.
Stay your course. And continue to utilize H’s emotional state to negotiate and gain his signature upon the dotted line.
You have to utilize his emotions. You cannot reach his rational intellect. He cannot reach it either - for any significant duration to be useful.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
I can also keep myself incredibly calm, I didn't think I could do this.
Well done!
There is so much good written in that statement.
“I can” is exactly correct. You can. It’s a choice. And therefore completely within your control and power. And that is the best place for that influence and power to reside.
And acknowledging that you didn’t think you could, allows you change it and believe in the fact you can.
Equanimity is a pretty wonderful state. And it is not some magically born to it only for a select few folks. Anyone can find it if the choose to.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
”sorry for today, I just can't put into words what goes on inside me and I struggle with the children and their actions towards me. I don't wish you anything bad or wrong, on the contrary, only the best. That's why I think it's a shame that you think you can't be there on Saturday (= the party I mentioned you about), it's sad for the children and the parents."
Stay the course Eagle. Do not fall for his manipulation.
H doesn’t understand nor empathize with what is best for the kids. And he really cannot feel anyone else’s sadness - the children and the parents - for not being able to go to the party. That is his feelings showing. Him projecting his feelings on to others. He is sad and frustrated and embarrassed and guilty and such. And it will be seen and out in the open when he cannot present the “nice” family facade that he has been hiding behind.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
After several discussions about the child support, he finally agreed to my proposal.
Excellent.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Draft has now been drawn up and is at the notary, only the house is not yet finalised. He has until 15/11 to decide, otherwise it will be put up for sale.
Now try to sign as quickly as possible, hopefully the notary will put some speed behind it.
Hoping this goes quickly and smoothly.
Eagle, a very nice update. You and the kids are doing really good. So proud of how you’ve handle yourself. Class and Grace my friend. Loads of respect.
Have a great day.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.