Hoping things are getting better

[SteveLW]

So I have confirmed today that there is a physical affair. It has been going on from at least December 2020.

I found she had a burner phone when she was out at work. I could see the whatapps chats from December until at least 20th July this year. The was also a note on her phone dated 6th October "You made me the impression I need to chase you, I never chase a man. Im interested at someone only if it goes two ways" To me this appears they had a falling out around this time, it would time in with the big arguments that we had around then and her staying in bed on day on her birthday, 3rd August. Also I found out who it is, I saw his picture and phone number. No-one I know, I think she has met him on a dating site. The scumbag is also married with 3 kids. I pity his wife and children.

I also found on that phone an alternative WhatsApp account, were she has been talking to and meeting other men, one as recently as Friday 15th, although these appear to not have gone any further at this point.

Scared A, very common tale unfortunately. I wish I had read (sorry if you didn't post it) that she had been showing signs of affair withdrawal. I went through that with my W. After her EAs would end she when go into a depression, a sadness. It is tough to watch your W mourning the loss of another man.

I am really having to stuggle not to say anything tonight, as I think this would let her know I am aware of the burner phone.

I don't know how some make a discovery like this and not confront. I couldn't do it. I always confronted right away. Maybe be the best course of action but if you cannot hide that you know then I believe it is better to confront.

DO NOT tell her what you know. Only that you know. "I know what has been going on." Also do not tell her how you know. If you do she will shut down everything else (the burner phone), and go much deeper undercover with her illicit activities.

Im really not sure how to proceed. It seems even with all my efforts, she has no desire to change or to finish her affair.

There is NOTHING you can say or do to change what she wants. This is a common mistake of LBSs. Thinking there is a magic bullet to end the problems. There isn't. It took years for you all to get here, it will likely take just as long to dig out, if you ever do! Please do not be deluded into thinking there is a quick fix. There isn't.

I was thinking of asking like this:

Me: I really dont want to have an argument, but are we trying to repair our marriage?
W: Yes/No
Me: If no, "I dont think we can go any further forward"
Me: If yes,"Are you still seeing anyone else, if you are we cannot really reapair anything"

I do not recommend this. What I recommend is you decide what you want. Do you want to remain married to a lying cheater? If not, then do this:

You: I know everything you've been doing.
W: What do you mean?
You: Don't pretend. I know.
W: What do you know?
You: Everything.
W: How do you know?
You: That isn't important. But I know and I have decided this is a dealbreaker for me. I will be filing for D.

If you do decide that being married to a lying cheater is what you want, then leave off that last line and just stop at That isn't important.

ScaredA, you've made a lot of mistakes in regards to commanding respect. Now is the chance for you to start showing a backbone. Asking her about repairing the marriage and if she is seeing anyone isn't the way to go. Just let her know you know everything, do not tell her how. And let her stew on that truth for awhile.

Im really not sure what to do, I havent eaten all day and feel totally sick.

Unfortunately, also very normal. I highly suggest getting into IC immediately.

Thinking about it, im not sure if the above will do anything. Should I just follow MWD advice and dont talk about it, and just keep working on myself and see how things change in the future?

Taking time is never a bad thing. But you still have to answer the question about whether your W being a lying cheater is a dealbreaker for you or not. If it is, then the way forward is clear. If not, then you have to decide how to proceed from here. GAL, 180s, detachment is your best course of action.

I feel terrible!

I feel terrible for you. Brings back a lot of pain and anguish I remember from my own situation. Unfortunately, you have to deal with this. We don't get to decide what others choose, but we do get to decide how we respond to it.