Wolfman moving forward2

[Dawn70]

Dawn. The comment about the bf smoking was that he walked out of their home smoking a cigar. He just wasn’t smoking it outside. He also walked back in the home smoking. That’s where I have a problem. I guess you are right, that I fight to be right. I guess I have to prove that because there is so much stacked against me now, I feel like I am slowly drowning. Overall my depression has come back and it’s pretty bad.

I'm so sorry you are going through all that you are going through. Others have given you some great advice and things to think about. I guess all I can add is that you are in therapy with your D and she is showing up, so that should be a win for you. At least she's coming, even if she is saying she's scared of you. I think it was Deja who talked about how when your D says she's scared, you need to listen and validate rather than try to turn the tables and prove how scary others are in relation to your yelling. This is what I'm talking about your fighting to be right. If you are fighting to be right to your daughter, it is NEVER going to happen and the more you dig in and try to get her to see that you are right, the more she is going to dig in and insist that you aren't and withdraw and defend "her family". Right now, you have to put your feelings aside and make your therapy all about her and her feelings and understanding them.

Your situation [censored] and my heart goes out to you. If you had a good co-parenting relationship with your XW a lot of these things would be easier to resolve, but clearly that ship has sailed, so you just have to continue to work to have a good relationship with both your kids. Keep going to therapy with your daughter. LISTEN to what she says and really hear her. Don't just listen for the sake of forming a response to "prove" how wrong she is. Her feelings are her feelings, regardless of whether you agree with them or not and trying to change her feelings is only going to bite you in the butt later. Listen, validate, say "I understand", "I'm sorry you feel that way", those sorts of things. I have said this to you before and it bears repeating: you are the adult and the dad in this situation, so be the adult! Don't stoop to trying to prove you are right or one-upping her by pointing out that you only yelled while her uncle made threats and broke things.

I will be honest, and I say this from a place of a woman who is and always has been a "daddy's girl". My daddy will ALWAYS be my hero and he will always be the man that every man in my life has to measure up to and let me just tell you, those are some mighty big cowboy boots to fill. Your daughter loves you. Your daughter is hurting. Your daughter is a teenager. She is hurt that you yelled at her for whatever reason (even if that reason was totally justified, as you were getting onto her for something or whatever...I'm not debating whether you yelled or why you yelled....doesn't matter). She's hurt by that because she loves you and she knows she disappointed you. Sure, she loves her uncle, but she might not think his actions are scary because she knows that her mother and you will keep her safe from her uncle. She's also a teenager and teenagers hold grudges and make poor decisions. My guess is her steadfastness in her claims that she's scared because you yelled at her are, at least in part, a way to "get back at you" for hurting her, choosing your girlfriend (another claim she's made against you). My point in all this is that while your XW may very well be doing some alienating, your daughter may be lashing out in every negative way she can think would hurt you just to get back at you for something she perceives as a slight against her, i.e. you chose your GF and new baby over her. (I'm NOT saying that is what you did, just saying that makes sense given that she's actually made that claim, according to your own story.) Of course, this is all purely speculation on my part, based only on the information you have provided, so it could be way off.

I guess my overall point is that I get you are in an awful situation and I feel for you. Just keep loving your kids and trying to be as good a dad as you can be. Listen, validate, make the times you have with them about them and their feelings instead of your need to be right and your need for EVERYONE to agree that you are the victim of parental alienation.