At one point she mentioned that she is afraid of me. The therapist asked why? Her only response was that I yelled at her a few times when she was younger and that scared her. So the therapist asked was there anything else your father did to scare you? She said no. So I asked you are afraid of me? She said yes. I said it’s only because I yelled at you when you were younger. She said yes. I asked if she was afraid of anyone else? She said no. You said you are sure you are not afraid of anyone else only me. She said yes. I am sorry I had to bri g this up with the therapist so she could hear it. I said you are not afraid of your uncle (my ex’s brother). She said no. I said that is interesting I said so you are afraid of me for yelling at you but not your uncle who physically tried to beat up your mom in front of you? She had no response. I said or the time he punched a hole in the bathroom door of our house in front of you and your brother. Or the time he flipped a glass table and shattered it? But you are afraid of me because I yelled at you when you weren’t doing the right things. The part that hurt me was then her response. She said don’t talk about my mom and uncle. I said I am not taking about your mom I am talking about what your uncle did and that you are not afraid of that but are afraid of me raising my voice. She said that my family don’t talk about them like that.
Originally Posted by Gottman
The third horsemen in the Four Horsemen is defensiveness, which is defined as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack.
Originally Posted by Wikipedia
Minimisation, or downplaying the significance of an event or emotion, is a common strategy in dealing with feelings of guilt. That avoids acknowledging and dealing with negative emotions by reducing the importance and impact of events that give rise to those emotions.
I'm glad you're getting traction with parental alienation. I hope it bears fruit.
I get losing your D is a helluva punch to the gut and hope you are able to find counseling. I also hope to see you here more often. Your, my, and Andrew's stories tend to get lots of.. feedback.. lol.
Wolf, lots of good advice was offered last month on validating your D and building a relationship with her. You finally have these little slices of time with D. Use them wisely. I'd focus on your broken relationship with D rather than D's functioning relationship with XW and her family.
Minimization is a form of invalidation, the opposite of the validation DB encourages. When you say, "it's only because" you are minimizing her experience. Consider the alternative, "Wow, it really scared you when I yelled." As you try to understand her, you might discover it wasn't the yelling per se but your apparent anger, or it triggered memories of someone else yelling and what happened next, or whatnot. (Can you tell I've had not-too-dissimilar conversations with my daughter?) Validating helps you understand their experience and shows you care. You can validate her experience and still be "right" about whatever you want to be, e.g. yelling as an appropriate punishment for misbehavior when she was under your care. I do wonder if the qualifiers "a few times" and "when I was younger" came from her or you. If they came from you (e.g., after she gave three examples from 3 years ago), they're also minimizations.
