Living in the Light V

[DejaVu6]

Hi All.

Hope this post finds everyone well in DB Land.

I had an interesting conversation with D13 last night. She has a bit of a cold so, just to be on the safe side, hasn’t been going to school. She came to get some clean laundry out of my room and then sat on my bed talking with me while I folded the laundry.

She started talking about her social network at school and how many of her friends come from divorced homes. I, of course, told her how sorry I am that she was part of that number and that it wasn’t something I had wanted for her and her brother. She told me that she knew this and doesn’t blame me for any of it. She said she has lots of questions about it but doesn’t feel safe asking her dad because she worries he would get mad at her for asking and also doesn’t trust he would be honest with her. As she gets older and starts to think more about her past experiences, she is remembering meeting two or three women who she doesn’t think were known to me at the time. She even remembers having a bunk bed at someone’s house which is really weird as I do not recall the kids being away overnight. But…now that I think about it, this could have happened when I was out of town. I would sometimes travel for work and go away to visit my mom or sister a few times a year. Crazy to think about but then again, when it comes to XH, nothing surprises me anymore. She may also be remembering her nanny as they did stay with her and her family a couple times when they were about 8 years old but who knows? When it comes to XH, I don’t trust that any of what he told me was happening (i.e. He made the arrangements and took them to the nanny’s, not me. So he could have lied about where they were going.) I hate that I have to be suspicious of everything he told me back then.

Honestly, I no longer have any feelings about what he was doing in relation to how it impacts me. I am long over him. But I do still find myself getting angry when I have these conversations with my kids (SD21 included) because they have remembered being witness to their dad’s activities. It is one thing to cheat on your spouse, it is a whole other thing to involve your children in it. And it goes back a long way because SD21 has the same kind of memories only a few years after he and I got married. I just feel sick when I think about it.

These are really tough conversations to have. I told XH a long time ago that I would never lie for him. When/if our kids started to ask questions and make sense of their memories, I would answer as truthfully as I can (only knowing my experience of it). S13 rarely asks me anything. He has been very direct in saying he really doesn’t want to know because he loves both of his parents and doesn’t want any reasons to be angry. Having said that, he consistently tells me how much he hates going back and forth between houses and it makes him sad every time he has to do it. That is tough to take.

D13 is very different. She wants to understand why her life is the way it is and make sense of her memories. I always tell her that regardless of what happened between me and her dad, I have no doubt he loves her and her brother. When she has these memories, I don’t interpret them for her, I just tell her that I don’t know and that her memories are her memories and I believe her. It has led to a lot of discussions about relationships in general and how hard they can be. We talk about love being a choice and that it is important to always treat people the way you would want them to treat you so that hopefully her take away is not that “my parents are screwed up” but that she is responsible for her actions and that her happiness is completely dependent on her and her choices and not someone else.

She is also curious about what occurred between SD21 and her dad. I just tell her SD21’s experience of her dad is very different and leave it at that. She said she often gets upset about her dad’s attitude toward her sister because she loves her a lot and knows that she is a good person even if she doesn’t always make the best choices for herself. I told her that her dad has had a difficult time recognizing his part in the demise of their relationship and that it is easier for him to view it as a problem with SD21 than it is for him to take responsibility for what he did or, in many instances, failed to do. I hope he will be brave enough one day to try to fix things between them but that remains to be seen. Regardless, it is okay for her to love both of them and not to pick a side.

Anyway…not a heck of a lot else going on in my world these days. Continuing to get lot so likes on the dating sites but just not interested these days so I haven’t been engaging with anyone. I’ve been focusing on self improvement activities. Been watching my diet and working out five to six days a week which has really made a difference in how I feel day-to-day.

(((HUGS))) to all.

[bttrfly]

DV, reading this, man. I hope you made sure to get a complete STD panel. I'm sure you did, but dang.
WTH?

[kml]

I hate that I have to be suspicious of everything he told me back then. frown

Yeah - I can relate to this. Aside from his known infidelities, I now look at certain other events in our relationship differently. That time when we were med students that he came home from a month rotation in Hawaii and suddenly declared that he thought he should move out? This never crossed my mind at the time - the excuse he gave was his Catholic father’s discomfort with us “living in sin” - but now I’m pretty sure he probably slept with, or at least made out with, one of the women med students also on that trip. (He never moved out - but I should have said “don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”).

[Traveler]

Hi DejaVu, that sounds really challenging, explaining to your kids what happened in the past, and dealing with their remembering details like possible OW or maybe just nannies. Props on working out 5 of 6 days! That's most important. I hear you on interest in dating going up and down with the waxing of the moon.

[Dawn70]

I would think it would be natural for kids to have questions as they get older and more aware (for lack of a better phrasing) of romantic relationships and how they work. Of course, you know exactly how to talk with your kids and, hopefully, that will help them both work through their feelings. Hang in there! You are so awesome with your kiddos!

[DejaVu6]

Thanks everyone. This journey has been a difficult one and I tried really hard to protect my kids from the worst of it. In the early days, it was hard to keep my emotions in check and I regret that I wasn’t able to hide my sadness as well as I would have wanted to. But the one thing my kids know, without a doubt, is that they can count on their mom to be there for them and they trust me to be honest with them. Now that I am through the trauma, I look back on everything and am proud of how I handled everything. I credit the people on this board for keeping me on the right path and am so grateful.

[DejaVu6]

Been awhile since my last update. I think in these circumstances, that’s probably a good thing. My life has been relatively drama-free since my break up with TDH in May. My kids are enjoying high school, work is going well, I’ve found an exercise program I LOVE and I’m playing pool again. My sister and my BIL are leaving town for a week so I get to be by myself tomorrow and most of Thursday. I’m looking forward to it.

After a few months of being “meh” about dating, I have a meet up planned for this weekend that I’m cautiously optimistic about. I’ve been monitoring my dating apps but haven’t swiped right on anyone for at least a couple of months. A week ago Sunday I saw a like from someone on Tinder who is local, attractive and who said some things in his profile that resonated with me. I swiped right and a couple hours later he sent me a message to say hello. We chatted for a while. He told me a bit about his relationship history. Married for almost 20 years and then divorced from his wife (in 2010) who moved in with her affair (sound familiar?). He waited a couple years to date because he didn’t want his previous relationship to affect his next one. He then had a three year relationship. They broke up and he waited another year before he got into second relationship that lasted another three years. Now he is single again and giving it another try.

His age wasn’t on Tinder but by my calculations, he’s probably within a couple years of me. He loves to travel, is debt free, owns his home (his tenants were making him Thanksgiving dinner so he is a good landlord) and has two grown daughters who he is close with. He even told me that he recently had a text from his ex wife asking him out on a date. He was both horrified and vindicated at the same time…lol. He said one of his daughters was with him when the text came in and she told him she would kill him if he agreed. He works shift work and says he loves his job. I know that he works for the ferries and is either a Captain or close to it because the first time we talked, he had to end out conversation so he could take the ferry off autopilot and dock it. His texts are in complete sentences, he uses punctuation and his spelling is great. We may just be kindred spirits…lol. Anyway…long story short, he is off this weekend and asked me if I would like to go for a walk with him on the waterfront. Fingers crossed we like each other. It would be nice to not have to keep going on first dates for a while and to have someone local to spend time with.

Still regularly chatting with Vic on Messenger. He’s become a good friend. I still wonder “what if” but have stopped suggesting we meet up. He knows where to find me and honestly, the guy doesn’t seem like he would have time to date anyone anyway. We did recently talk about dating in general. He hasn’t done the online thing because he says he is too shy. I do not remember him being shy at all but that’s his story and he’s sticking to it. He also seems to believe that fate may just deposit someone at his door and mine too apparently. I’ve been watching my door and no one shows up there except people looking for donations so I’m going to continue to be a bit more proactive than that…lol.

So that’s the latest in DV Land. XH and I continue to coparent pretty well. We have pleasant interactions on the odd occasion we find ourselves in the same space. True detachment is a beautiful thing!! (((HUGS)))

[kml]

Gee, Tinder guy looks good on paper. An LBS who’s done some of the work and who was a good enough spouse that his WAW realizes she made a mistake. (I too would be horrified and vindicated. I sincerely hope though that my ex never expresses regret.)

I hope he’s as promising in real life as he is on paper!

[DonH]

I know I’m the king of snark here and you all, well many, know my thoughts on OLD, but I’m asking this 100% honestly as I also continue to crave all sorts of knowledge. I thought Tinder was the 20/30 somethings hook up app. Even if used for looking for a real R there are not many 50+ on it. So have I been wrong about that? Or did you just get lucky to even find someone your age not looking for quick sex? I’d think you’d have all the younger guys looking for a MILF/GILF experience (and you well may) I just thought Tinder would be like the last place someone our age would go. Or maybe I’m wrong. Enlighten me if you would.

[LH19]

I know I’m the king of snark here and you all, well many, know my thoughts on OLD, but I’m asking this 100% honestly as I also continue to crave all sorts of knowledge.

True. You make me look like Mary fuching Poppins

I thought Tinder was the 20/30 somethings hook up app.

Wrong!

Even if used for looking for a real R there are not many 50+ on it.

Wrong!

So have I been wrong about that?

Yes!

Or did you just get lucky to even find someone your age not looking for quick sex?
To be determined

I’d think you’d have all the younger guys looking for a MILF/GILF experience

Is that like a ride at Disney Land?

Or maybe I’m wrong. Enlighten me if you would.

Most older people hate to go to Tinder due to the connotation that it's a hook up app. But you get more exposure and it's free so most get on it and women usually shot "no hook-ups"!