Hoping things are getting better

[BL42]

scaredA,

In the past my wife has complained about several issues:
1) Not doing enough with the kids
2) Being critical/contemptuous
3) Not trusting me

Those are all things you SHOULD improve on! I do not see 1-3 above being things that also cannot be done while at the same time learning to command respect.

Completely agreed, but with the caveat of dropping any expectation that just because you start addressing the items and "fixing" stuff she'll quickly come back to you. DO spend more time with the kids. DO drop the criticism and contempt. DO act more trustworthy. But...do that for yourself and your children. Don't assume that because all of a sudden you're addressing her list it'll change things over night because 1) she may not trust your overnight changes will continue in the long term and 2) she may just be making a list to justify her affair and/or wanting the divorce.

Point is...these items aren't necessarily a check list that will ensure she turns back to you, and all of a sudden "doing everything right" isn't going to fix things, so make improvements for yourself over time because it's the right thing to do.

In my opinion, which I am aware may just be denial, I think she is trying to hurt me as she is very hurt. I think there may be a EA and there may also have been one of sex on a night out (I'm not sure about that). For a full blown affair I really don't know when she would be doing that. She works at the school where my youngest son attends, so she takes and brings him home, so she never stay "late at work". She goes out a lot at the weekends, but that has always been the case, I have never stopped her going out partying, but she is always home by 1 am at the very latest. Some weekends she doesnt go out at all.

Hate to say this, but you know how often on here I've read "I don't know when she could have time for an affair"? They're find a way / time for it if they want. My ExW did the early/late to work thing, but was also sneaking around IN the office DURING work with OM1. They would hook up and listen for anyone coming down the halls. She was at her mom's house for "time for herself" over mother's day weekend, but . Besides the PA, she'd text OM1 late at night while putting my son to bed and even while she was in the same room as me.

Point is...don't assume because you think her time is accounted for she's not having an affair. They find a way.

My thought plan is that once she is ready to discuss the relationship, which I am hoping for by Christmas if this continue on the same trajectory, then we can discuss how things need to improve and I can be a bit more forceful in stating my needs.

I would tread carefully here my friend. Sounds like you weren't the greatest husband and right now she could give two $hits about your needs. It's going to take a really long time for her to believe any of these changes. Keep doing your share with the kids without over doing it. This is a marathon not a sprint.

Yeah...dropping expectations. Don't set yourself up for a timeline you'll end up getting disappointed about. This could take a long time.

What are you doing for you? Are you getting out of the house? Hobbies? Friends?

Great question! Make sure you're GAL'ing. Do fun activities and meeting new people makes life a lot more fun (or at least bearable) during these sitches.