Those are all things you SHOULD improve on! I do not see 1-3 above being things that also cannot be done while at the same time learning to command respect.
Originally Posted by scaredA
For 1) I'm now taking my eldest son to his soccer practice, I'm collecting my youngest son from his tutor and doing his homework with him everyday, I'm taking both kids to the pool on a Thursday night
Great! Being the best dad that you can be is awesome and something you should do no matter what your WAW decides.
I'm trying hard, especially for the kids sake. I always spent lots of time with the kids - movies, eating out, playing boardgames. However, my wife specifically said I do not do enough in the categories above. So I am doing what I used to do and also trying to improve in the areas she brought up.
Originally Posted by SteveLW
So a couple of improvements here. I love the active listening. You do that by validating her feelings. Do not point out that you do not agree with them. Validating is not about agreeing or disagreeing, it is about understanding.
When she has a go at you, validate. If she continues to yell or belittle you calmly but firmly say: "I refuse to be spoken to in this manner. And then walkaway. THAT is commanding respect.
Point noted, I will stop the saying I do not agree. The other night she shouted a little bit about something I didn't do correctly in front on my son. I didn't respond, I just stood up, left the room and went upstairs (this for me is very hard to do as I am usually argumentative and become defensive and critical in this situation). Later that evening she come upstairs and asked something completely trivial, which was her way of saying sorry and showing the lines of communication are still open. In summary, I'm trying to do what you suggest above
Originally Posted by SteveLW
This is all pretty good, but in the respect category, make sure she is doing her part too. Sometimes the help is not doing it for her but asking her how you can help her so she can do her part. "I can't take son to tutoring!" "I hear that you are overloaded, but son needs to get to tutoring. What can I do to help so that you can get him there?"
I've noticed that she has started doing some cleaning around the house and doing some laundry. She had stopped doing anything at all. She is also spending some more time doing kids homework.
My wife has a very strong character (on the outside). If something pisses her off she can hold onto it for a long time (she is Russian). She will very rarely admit she is wrong, so these small signs of improvement are what I see as her way of saying sorry or I am noticing the changes you are trying to make. Having said that she is in a bad mood tonight, she tried to start an argument earlier about putting food in to large a size of plastic container. I was about to say "But I couldn't find any smaller ones", instead I just said "Ok, will do next time", then I have gone upstairs out of her way. My DB coach says "Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?", this was a good example of that. What's the point of being right about a plastic container??????
Originally Posted by SteveLW
I agree with your DB coach, R talks do not help. Do not fall to the temptation to start them. 2 months, and 12 months are DROPS in the bucket. This could take years to resolve completely. Do not get hung up on time, just keep doing what you need to do from day to day.
Don't get me wrong, I want to do what it takes to restore my relationship with my wife, but I do not want my old relationship, in fact I cannot have my old relationship back, I need a new better relationship, or we will just be divorced in 2,3,5 years rather than right now
Originally Posted by SteveLW
Remember, patience. Do not hope for an R talk by Christmas. Just let things play out. Drop expectations. Keep your head down and keep working.
Yes I need to tattoo patience do not initiate conversation on my forehead. Christmas is a long time away, my near term goals are over a month. The main ones at the minute are:
1) Maintain peace in the house until November 2) Do not say anything critical until November
Originally Posted by scaredA
I am just a dumb slob, no need to prioritize my advice. Your sitch is yours. You have to do what you think is right or the wise thing. Maybe too much time has passed on the master bedroom issue. Usually I would advise to take it back. Just move back in, and tonight get in bed. When she says something just say "I have decided I like sleeping here." If she decides to sleep elsewhere fine, do not make an issue of it. However, if that is not a step you are willing to take, then do not. It is entirely up to you.
WHat I can tell you is that giving up the bedroom, rushing out to buy her a bag because she threatens to leave otherwise are not ways you command respect.
I agree, the only thing I would say was that this helped communication to restart. It gained no respect at all, but without any communication I do not think things were ever going to improve
