Hoping things are getting better

[SteveLW]

SA, we all struggled with this. Trying not to make wave. Don't want to upset her. Etc.

Here is the thing: You cannot nice her back. That simple truth could save your marriage. Wives go wayward due to a lack of respect for their husbands. Read all of sandi's writings here that you can find. She explains it perfectly.

So it is up to you. You can have your W like you, and walk all over you. Or you can have her respect you, and eventually be attracted to you (maybe, there are no guarantees). But together or D'd, trust me, respecting you is more important than liking you.

Steve, I'm not trying to be awkward or disregard your advice. I just really do not know how to do it your way - i.e. take back the marital bedroom.

In the past my wife has complained about several issues:
1) Not doing enough with the kids
2) Being critical/contemptuous
3) Not trusting me

I thought if I can improve these three aspects, some respect with be gained.

Those are all things you SHOULD improve on! I do not see 1-3 above being things that also cannot be done while at the same time learning to command respect.

For 1) I'm now taking my eldest son to his soccer practice, I'm collecting my youngest son from his tutor and doing his homework with him everyday, I'm taking both kids to the pool on a Thursday night

Great! Being the best dad that you can be is awesome and something you should do no matter what your WAW decides.

For 2) I trying to practice active listening with the wife, not interrupting and not giving advice unless asked. When she has a go at me (which hasn't happened for two months), I have been validating her feelings and saying "However I do not agree with them". I'm trying to consult her on major decisions, which I would have just dealt with on my own previously without even talking to her (i.e. our rental property back in Europe).

So a couple of improvements here. I love the active listening. You do that by validating her feelings. Do not point out that you do not agree with them. Validating is not about agreeing or disagreeing, it is about understanding.

When she has a go at you, validate. If she continues to yell or belittle you calmly but firmly say: "I refuse to be spoken to in this manner. And then walkaway. THAT is commanding respect.

For 3) I'm trying to follow through and actually do stuff that I say I will do (we had an incident with our eldest son at school a few weeks ago, I tried to show that I was reliable and on her side over the issue). When she has been asking for help, if I can do it, I have just been doing it (previously I would have moaned "Why cant you do it", "I'm busy". If I genuinely cannot do it, I have been saying so and than asking "Is there any other way I can help or some way we can do it together". i.e. She stopped taking my youngest son to his tutor over the summer. I used a soft start-up when asking about it "Is there any way WE could make an arrangement to get him to tutor", She agreed and she now takes him every week.

This is all pretty good, but in the respect category, make sure she is doing her part too. Sometimes the help is not doing it for her but asking her how you can help her so she can do her part. "I can't take son to tutoring!" "I hear that you are overloaded, but son needs to get to tutoring. What can I do to help so that you can get him there?"

I'm not sure, is this gaining respect or being a doormat?

This is all fine. However, see upgrades that can be made on #2.

I feel like we have made major steps in softening, from near total silence for 12 months and permanently staying in her bedroom with the door shut, to nearly 2 months of talking to each other. Currently there is NO relationship talk and my DB coach recommended I do not discuss the affair my wife says she is having (though is has not been mentioned by my wife for two months).

I agree with your DB coach, R talks do not help. Do not fall to the temptation to start them. 2 months, and 12 months are DROPS in the bucket. This could take years to resolve completely. Do not get hung up on time, just keep doing what you need to do from day to day.

My thought plan is that once she is ready to discuss the relationship, which I am hoping for by Christmas if this continue on the same trajectory, then we can discuss how things need to improve and I can be a bit more forceful in stating my needs.

Remember, patience. Do not hope for an R talk by Christmas. Just let things play out. Drop expectations. Keep your head down and keep working.

I really appreciate your advice, but just seeking some clarity

I am just a dumb slob, no need to prioritize my advice. Your sitch is yours. You have to do what you think is right or the wise thing. Maybe too much time has passed on the master bedroom issue. Usually I would advise to take it back. Just move back in, and tonight get in bed. When she says something just say "I have decided I like sleeping here." If she decides to sleep elsewhere fine, do not make an issue of it. However, if that is not a step you are willing to take, then do not. It is entirely up to you.

WHat I can tell you is that giving up the bedroom, rushing out to buy her a bag because she threatens to leave otherwise are not ways you command respect.