I imagine. You are just starting to process what while you were stonewalling her, she may have been getting support, romance, sexual release, etc. from others OR (less likely) she's pretending to hurt you.
In my opinion, which I am aware may just be denial, I think she is trying to hurt me as she is very hurt. I think there may be a EA and there may also have been one of sex on a night out (I'm not sure about that). For a full blown affair I really don't know when she would be doing that. She works at the school where my youngest son attends, so she takes and brings him home, so she never stay "late at work". She goes out a lot at the weekends, but that has always been the case, I have never stopped her going out partying, but she is always home by 1 am at the very latest. Some weekends she doesnt go out at all.
This is all assuming, I don't really know is the answer.
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Steve wasn't suggesting that you have a big argument. I think a big argument would turn off nearly anyone. He was suggesting you take back the master bedroom. Arguments require two people. You control whether you have an argument.
When me being in a different has been the status quo for so long, I really don't know how to even attempt this without her getting pissed off. She will go to another room, no problem, but then she will sit in that room with the door closed for the next few months. She has a very strong character and it has taken a long time to get to the point where we are at least talking to each other. I really don't want to set things back to how they were around August (total silence, in bedroom with door closed)
Originally Posted by CWarrior
Maybe this is why you fear an argument--it sounds like you lose control when you're angry? That sounds scary. I assume this is a 180. How's your progress coming along with this one--reading books, taking classes, etc?
I don't get violent, but when I get flooded I say a lot of very offensive stuff. "I'm sick of you", "You should move out of MY house", etc. My wife can also do the same. I regret this later, but never apologise straight away.
I am working on this, reading books, watching videos, making a log of how I am going to respond in certain situations so I am prepared for them before they happen.
My real worry I that I will get complacent if things start to improve, and forget what I should be doing and cause everything to go back to square one!
Originally Posted by CWarrior
a) As for asking, she gave you inconsistent stories about her AP, so I'm not sure why you'd believe her, and what would you hope to gain? b) As for venting, venting at her won't help build a relationship between you two. This does tie in with improving anger management. Can you turn to boxing, Fortnite, journaling, etc. to express what you're feeling? I don't see how (a) or (b) would help you.
You are totally right about A and B. I did neither when I got home. I made a plan of how I would behave and stuck to it. One of the bullet points was that "I will not start relationship talk or discuss the affair"
Instead of spending the evening arguing about her affair and how bad I feel, we tidied up the kitchen together, split the making of the kids school lunches and then sat down in the living room and talked till 10 pm. The night finished much better than it would have done if I brought up the affair. I think there will be time to talk about that in the future, but for now I just need to keep my feelings to myself.
