SA, we all struggled with this. Trying not to make wave. Don't want to upset her. Etc.
Here is the thing: You cannot nice her back. That simple truth could save your marriage. Wives go wayward due to a lack of respect for their husbands. Read all of sandi's writings here that you can find. She explains it perfectly.
So it is up to you. You can have your W like you, and walk all over you. Or you can have her respect you, and eventually be attracted to you (maybe, there are no guarantees). But together or D'd, trust me, respecting you is more important than liking you.
Steve, I'm not trying to be awkward or disregard your advice. I just really do not know how to do it your way - i.e. take back the marital bedroom.
In the past my wife has complained about several issues: 1) Not doing enough with the kids 2) Being critical/contemptuous 3) Not trusting me
I thought if I can improve these three aspects, some respect with be gained.
For 1) I'm now taking my eldest son to his soccer practice, I'm collecting my youngest son from his tutor and doing his homework with him everyday, I'm taking both kids to the pool on a Thursday night
For 2) I trying to practice active listening with the wife, not interrupting and not giving advice unless asked. When she has a go at me (which hasn't happened for two months), I have been validating her feelings and saying "However I do not agree with them". I'm trying to consult her on major decisions, which I would have just dealt with on my own previously without even talking to her (i.e. our rental property back in Europe).
For 3) I'm trying to follow through and actually do stuff that I say I will do (we had an incident with our eldest son at school a few weeks ago, I tried to show that I was reliable and on her side over the issue). When she has been asking for help, if I can do it, I have just been doing it (previously I would have moaned "Why cant you do it", "I'm busy". If I genuinely cannot do it, I have been saying so and than asking "Is there any other way I can help or some way we can do it together". i.e. She stopped taking my youngest son to his tutor over the summer. I used a soft start-up when asking about it "Is there any way WE could make an arrangement to get him to tutor", She agreed and she now takes him every week.
I'm not sure, is this gaining respect or being a doormat?
I feel like we have made major steps in softening, from near total silence for 12 months and permanently staying in her bedroom with the door shut, to nearly 2 months of talking to each other. Currently there is NO relationship talk and my DB coach recommended I do not discuss the affair my wife says she is having (though is has not been mentioned by my wife for two months).
My thought plan is that once she is ready to discuss the relationship, which I am hoping for by Christmas if this continue on the same trajectory, then we can discuss how things need to improve and I can be a bit more forceful in stating my needs.
I really appreciate your advice, but just seeking some clarity
