I’ve just finished Divorce Remedy, my wife dropped the “I don’t love you anymore” 4 weeks ago. I’ve been having a pretty hard time wrapping my head around all this, found this group, and have been hesitating about posting for 2 weeks now.
We’ve been together for 11 years, two girls 2 & 4. Wife had suffered a major depression episode a few years before we met. She’s always been very open and upfront about it from the start. The first years were a whirlwind romance, we were both crazy about each other and really enjoyed life in general. We loved where we were going as a couple and in our careers. We suffered a miscarriage, as expected that was rough on both of us. Wife went through what i’d call a minor depression, but seemed to pull out of it after I proposed and things were looking like they were lining up again. We got pregnant again after a year or so, it was exciting and positive. We bought a house, we decorated and planned everything together, we’d giggle when we’d see other couples arguing at Ikea, we’d just have a great time and get along great.
After girl #1 was born, postpartum hit pretty quick and hard. Things got difficult, the house wasn’t very fun anymore. I had a really hard time understanding how someone could be so angry and sad during such an amazing moment in our lives. I think I built up resentment during this time and lacked understanding, yet tried to remain supportive and split tasks and child duties 50/50. 50/50 never seemed like enough for wife. That first year was incredibly difficult and I struggled wondering if we’d survive through it. At one point, she asked for a break while we were still living together, we barely spoke for 4 weeks. I gave her space and waited patiently. We got over that and things got better after the baby turned 1. We got pregnant again when baby was 18 months, the second pregnancy was very difficult on my wife. The mood swings and anger came back just like during the postpartum. I felt she resented and hated me, however she couldn’t tell me why or what I was doing wrong. I assumed it was hormones and that we’d get through it again when things settled down. Baby 2 hit us like a wrecking ball, the first 5 months were pretty close to hell, no sleep, crying episodes lasting 3-4 hours every night, it drained everything out of us, we were exhausted and struggling to keep everything together. When baby 2 was about 6 months we went on vacation to Florida to meet up with her parents, we took a 3 day vacation between the two of us, on the first night she told me she didn’t think this would work out. Felt she lost herself through the maternity leaves and wasn’t sure if she still loved me. We’re Canadian, so that means one full year off work with pay when you have a baby. She suggested she be the one to take the full maternity leave package since her employer offered full salary compensation, while mine only offered 65%.
I took all this hard, however I remained positive thinking it was postpartum and we’d be strong enough to make it work once things settled down again. Once baby2 turned 1 and the effects of the postpartum seemed to be passing, I pushed for couples therapy. She hesitated saying she thought I just wanted a therapist to side with me and say she was the issue, that comment really hit me hard, I started to think perhaps this was way worse than i thought if she was having those kind of thoughts about my intentions. After a while she agreed, and while in therapy she realized my intentions were genuine, after 2 sessions we were already doing so much better, the house became enjoyable again. This coincided with the beginning of Covid. Throughout all the lockdowns and stress, we still managed to have fun and stay positive. We saw the couples therapist for 5 sessions total and were doing great, so decided to take a break from the sessions. However, my wife felt she still had some lingering depression, so she started to see her therapist from before we were together, she suggested antidepressants, and her Dr prescribed Lexapro.
The change in character was pretty quick at this point, she was in such a good mood right out of bed first thing in the morning, which was never really her thing. After a few months her drinking started to get very noticeably heavier. She always enjoyed a glass of wine or two after work, and the occasional heavier drinking on special occasions and it was always very manageable without too much concern. But it got to the point I started getting worried about it. She was making less time for us, and more plans with her friends to go out drinking while before there were different activities, now it purely seemed to revolve around going out at night with drinks involved. I started to read up on Lexapro and SSRI’s in general, and was shocked to see all the cases relating SSRI’s with divorce. My anxiety and paranoia hit the roof at this point. My character completely changed and I started to doubt my mental well being, I’ve never had anxiety or depression before and I’m 48 now. Perhaps this situation with Covid put me over the top? I became a different person and wasn’t nearly as fun to be around. At the same time, my wife with the new found energy from the SSRI’s enrolled in University courses on top of working full time and also took a new roll at work that involved 2 nights of presentations and meetings, which left me alone with the kids on several evenings and weekends. My resentment started to build up, my energy shot down and I just wasn’t the same person anymore.
The past few months we’ve had several talks about things not going so well, I asked her to take a bit of a break from the courses and evenings working to balance things out a little, and I was faced with the coldest person I’ve ever met, her reply was brutal “this is me, i finally feel great, and i refuse to give up my projects”. I pleaded to keep some projects but let go of some, just so i could also enjoy a hobby and night out on occasion, and she shut that down. I had no idea who I was dealing with at this point, I suggested we take a break from the conversation and come back to it once we cooled down. I took a couple of weeks to really think about where we were and what we’ve been through as well as what I wanted/needed going forward, and realized I was still madly in love with her and wanted to make this work. A few weeks later, I was feeling a lot better and we decided to have the conversation, this is where she hit me with the bomb that she wanted a divorce, this was the new her and she didn’t see how we could work things out. She claimed we’ve been struggling for 5 years and refused to acknowledge the difference between the postpartum and the antidepressants period. Completely ignoring the amazing time we shared before the kids and after therapy, pre-medication. She stuck to her guns and kept saying this is the best she’s ever felt and I should leave if I don’t like it. I retorted with saying, this isn’t you, its the medication that’s making you happy, but you’re just ignoring any issues around you and giving up on an 11 year relationship with two amazing daughters. She refuses to consider perhaps the antidepressants are altering her feelings like thousands of online articles claim.
I’m totally stuck here and at a loss. I just don’t see how someone can abandon a family and all the dreams we had in such a short period. She refuses to speak to a therapist or make any changes. Any advice or experience with SSRI’s and antidepressants would be incredibly helpful. Thanks for reading!
Constanza, wow. Tough read. But so much of what you said resonated with me. I came here a few years ago convinced that anti-depressants were the base of my problem. You can see my first thread here:
We as LBHs often feel the need to diagnose, identify and fix. Please listen when I tell you that approach will not work. You cannot find a cure and apply it in this situation. I know that stinks to hear. We all come here looking for the magic bullet. The one thing to say or do that will fix our W and our sitch, and then we can move on healthy and happy. There is no magic bullet. If there were MWD and her books wouldn't exist. This site wouldn't exist. There would be a single hit to a google request: "How can I save my marriage?" and that hit would tell you exactly what to say or do to fix it.
Unfortunately, there is no fix. You spent several paragraphs describing problems in the marriage. It wasn't until near the end that we get to the SSRIs, and then you hyper focus on those as being the cause of the split of your marriage. Yet she wasn't on the SSRIs on your 3 day vacation when she said she didn't think this would work out. So obviously maybe there is more than SSRIs at work here?
Yes, I've read the same stories you have about how SSRIs cause the split of married couples. There is a lot of anecdotal evidence. There are few details. No one knows all of the dynamics and all of the details of how couples got from point A to point B. Just that "she got on SSRIs and now we are getting a D!" I have come to realize that it isn't that simple. Maybe the SSRIs cause people to have the confidence to do things they didn't have the confidence to do prior. Maybe that is why they were depressed. If you read a lot of the writings here you will see that these BDs that happen to us are years in the making. It isn't as if our WAS woke up one morning and said, "Hmmmm, today I will tell my S that I want a D." No it takes months at a minimum. Likely, the words you heard on the follow-up conversation were words she wanted to say in the first conversation. But for some reason she held them back. Then when you restarted the conversation she had thought it over and decided that the next time you two had an R talk, she would hit you with the divorce bomb.
If you've read DR and if you've read this forum, then you know what is coming next because the advice is simple. The execution of that advice is difficult. But you really need to back off and give her space like you have done before. Remove all pressure and pursuit. Focus on you and the kids. I know you have said her schedule makes it difficult for you to have hobbies and go out, change that. Find a babysitter and go out and hang out with friends, and find things to participate in. Keep looking inwardly at what you can do to be the best person and father you can be. And finally, do not ignore the advice on detachment. You have to get to a place where her words and actions have no emotional affect on you. Not easy, but being cooly, lovingly detached is one of the best ways to have an impact on your situation.
I want to talk about something you said: "Perhaps this situation with Covid put me over the top? I became a different person and wasn’t nearly as fun to be around."
So think about this. Does this help your sitch or hurt it? Does being this guy mean she wants to be around you or she'd rather be around someone else? We have a way as humans of making happen what we fear most. We tend to react the exact opposite why to things we do not like than we should or than in ways that will improve our situation. So this is the first 180 you can make! Do not be this different person that isn't fun to be around.
You also said: "and realized I was still madly in love with her and wanted to make this work." Interesting how sometimes we do not want something until we are about to lose it? I think of the Cinderella song "Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)". Humans are funny creatures that way! So it is important at this moment to step back and forget about your feelings, concentrate on logical thoughts. What does Constanza want? You posted a lengthy story about a marriage that has been problematic from the beginning, and then end it with desperately wanting to hang on and blaming it on SSRIs which were only recently introduced. REACTIONS.
Learn to no react. Reactions will hurt you in all of this. Do not react without first thinking logically. For instance, telling her that this isn't her, but the medication. That was a reaction. And it was probably met with less than desirable results. Why? Because she suddenly has had this epiphany, this awakening. This medication has given her a new lease on life, she feels better than she has in years, maybe ever. And all she sees is that you want to take it away from her. That you want her to go from this vibrant, happy, fulfilled person, to the depressed, unhappy, struggling from day-to-day person that she was before. And whether this is true or not, her perspective is that you had control over the depressed, unhappy her....and you do not over the new her. (Admit it, there is probably some truth in that.) So she has thrown down the gauntlet: she will give you up before she gives up this new lease on life.
So this is the moment you need to let go of control over her and anything she is or isn't saying and doing, and turn the focus to the one thing you can control: yourself. How can constanza become the best version of himself? A version only a fool would leave?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
