SSRI's and divorce - Wife doesn't love me anymore

[BL42]

costanza,

Sorry you're in this situation. I'm not the most experienced person on the board, but do know exactly what you're going through right now. I'm just over a year and a half ahead of you and a lot of your story rings true to mine. Actually, you still a lot of very similar situations on here. It was the most difficult year/year and a half of my life...but I'm doing much better now, and you will too. I also have two young children, at Bomb Day (BD) my son was 4 and my daughter 1yo. I also believe post-partum depression and anti-depression medicine played a role. Other items like splitting household and childcare duties 50/50 but it still not being good enough resonate.

The most important thing to know is that you WILL get through this. can and will have a great life ahead of you, no matter what happens between you and your wife.

She promises there is no one else, and she's always been so brutally honest that I believe her.

I would also caution you that if your wife is out drinking and going to new classes etc, she might have her eye on another man. Prepare yourself mentally for this.

I'm not saying there is another man - how could I possibly know for sure - but an extremely high percentage of situations on this board involve an emotional and/or physical affair...even when the spouse swears up and down there's no one else. My ExW lied to my face multiple times about there not being something else, even when I knew it to be a fact and evidence to back it up. I hope that's not the case with you. All I'm saying is prepare yourself for the possibility, because if there is it will be tough to handle and might set you back.

LH19 gives you a lot of great advice you should ponder. Re-read it several times and make sure you understand it.

I'll highlight three main areas which I think are key for you right now...

This is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to play the long game.

Even if you do everything 100% perfectly starting today, this is still a months/years-long turnaround.

When eventually she's had enough time and space that she can SEE YOU again...but you CANNOT control how long it will take her to process her anger and resentment, and you CANNOT accelerate it.

First, the timeline. LH mentions is several times but this may take way longer to play out than you realize. Right after my BD when I found out about the affairs, I did a lot of research on various about affairs and how they don't tend to last long and I thought "Oh, ok...I'll change how I'm acting and the affair will end in a few months and we can get past this". I was completely naïve. Believe what LH is saying about 'a marathon not a sprint'. This is most likely not something that's going to turn around after a month or two, and will likely be a year or more of your life. It's best to get your head wrapped around that.

If you increase her guilt, by blaming, shaming, or making her responsible for your emotional state, she's going to resent you more.

If you pursue her, argue with her, or try to convince her to work with you on the marriage, she's going to resent you for not letting her go and not giving her the space she wants.

Second, this is maybe the most difficult because your natural instinct as she's pulling away is to get close to her and convince her she's wrong and push to fix it through therapy or relationship talks...etc., but you need to give her space and let her figure things out. Stop pressuring her. Stop trying to fix her. Even if it's scary...let go. Not only will detaching it help your mental state, but maybe it'll give her the freedom to see what she'll be missing.

Finding a life for your new self that doesn't require her. That's the only way you make it credible that your changes are for you. She won't even see them until she believes that you don't need her.

Third, work on yourself. I didn't respond to you sooner because you posted while I was at the gym lifting with a friend. I waited a year longer to start that than I should've, but I'm into it now and feel good about it. I started grad school. I've done projects around the house. I bought new golf clubs. I go out to dinner with friends...etc. Whatever it is that will keep you busy and improving yourself, start doing those things now...which will make you happy and benefit your life. It's healthy for you, but also attractive to others. Get your self strong. Physically, yes, but most importantly emotionally. You may be in for a rough ride so get mentally strong and KNOW you can handle it. Being strong will help you and will be much more attractive to your W than begging, and pleading, and breakdowns.

Lastly, you have two young kids so make sure you do everything in your power to help them through this. It was (and is) a very difficult process for my kids, especially my son who is older than my daughter and remembers/understands more. He's had meltdowns. I've needed to be his rock. I spend every bit of time I have with them being the best dad I can be. I'm coaching son's sports teams, I've taken them on vacation to the beach, to kids museums, gone apple picking, pumpkin farm, bowling, fishing, golf...make sure they have a stable parent and are comforted that you'll be there for them. It's your responsibility as a father...but it'll help you through things as well.

Keep posting on this forum and more and more people will chime in to help.