Brave Little Gerda Knows More Now

[Elbereth]

Something to consider, if you are reading this and are new on your journey -- or later on your journey, and battling that same demon. That need to justify yourself, it's part of your battle! The only thing we really seem to need on this journey is something to love us unconditionally and to give us a hug and say they understand. We aren't going to get that EVER from the MLCer and it may not even happen that you can get it from people around you. I get it, sometimes, through my faith, but most of my daily life does not include that, I have only one friend who loves me like that, and my family loves me more like the MLCer does. So I think as we are figuring out how to heal, we have to know that we need that, we have to face that we may not get that but that we don't need to explain to the MLCer, it doesn't work, it's a wound we have to heal on our own, to stop explaining! All we can do is give that love to others and accept that love when it comes our way....

I am this same way. I did feel like I had to keep explaining or justifying my feelings in my marriage, and I have felt I have to do that now with people in my life is discussing how I am doing during this time. It's very hard. After reading your recent posts and this last one, it's sinking in that I am doing this to try to help myself feel better at this point...like I have to justify or explain to others why I feel as terrible as I do. And then they will understand. I also think it comes from the gaslighting and trying to make sense of my feelings and confusion.

Now that I realized my H was a narcissist or at least had many of the behaviors, and with all the lies, I no longer feel the need to explain anything to him or to ask anything of him. I see now that it won't even matter or do any good. But I am stuck doing this with others in my life. And being told "you are so better off now, just be happy about that" feels awful (even if true) but you are right...it's up to us to figure out how to heal, and we need to face that others in our life can't give us that. No one else can really understand how I felt (or feel) and how hard I've tried to deal with the marriage and the divorce. But I really do want that validation and hugs, etc. The need is strong! It [censored] I won't really find it outside of myself. That is my current journey.

Gerda, you are such an inspiration. I've been following you for a while now, and you have been so strong through so many horrible situations. The advice the others gave you is plenty (no more from me). But I want you to know that I see your pain, and I am sorry you are going through everything you are going through. Teens are awful. ha! Stay the light, stay the love, and do your best to stay in your lane (I know it's hard), and your kids will see for themselves what your XH is like. Remember their brains are not fully developed yet...so thing won't be logical to them. But in time they will see things for themselves. And them seeing it for themselves is the only way that they will believe it for themselves. And, you can only control your side of the street anyway.

Hugs to you...and sending you strength. You are not alone. We hear you. And we are here for you.

El