One of the things your research has probably taught you is that women need to respect a man to be attracted to him. sandi, who was an expert in this area, has written volumes on this. Doing things that command respect is very important. That is why the advice here is to not move out of the marital bedroom. If the WS doesn't want to sleep in the same bed then they sleep elsewhere. If the WS is in a PA then you ask them to move out of the marital bedroom. If they refuse, you move them out. Things like that.
So when your W says "If you want to work on the marriage then buy me an expensive handbag." Your answer should have been: "I want to work on the marriage but I will not buy you an expensive handbag." What your WAW/WW was doing here was it is call cake-eating. She say the opportunity to get something she wanted, and she took it. Has she worked on the marriage since this? I know you see a softening, but all of the softening appears to be around you spending money: dinners and lunches together. Trips to Europe. Etc. Where is she actually working on the MR?
Did you running out the next day and buying the handbag mean you were commanding respect? Or did it further erode her respect for you. "All I have to do is say, "if you want to work on the marriage then do this!" and he'll do it!" Not really where you want to be in your marital relationship.
I think you are doing the right thing by not initiating R talks. But when she says "Let's go on a trip to Europe", my answer would be "I am not doing that with a wife that is seeing someone else." Call her bluff. Likely it was another test. "Can I push him to the point of sleeping with 5 other men and still have him ready to buy my expensive things in order to stay together?". See what she is doing here?
I know you do not want a D. However, not getting D'd cannot be your first priority. You have to respect yourself enough to not be walked all over. That is what I see happening her. She snaps her fingers, you jump. Next time she comes up with a great idea to spend a whole bunch of your money, call her out. "Why would we go to Europe for Christmas? You are sleeping with other men and want a D?"
Start standing up for yourself. Command respect. Become a man only a fool would leave.
Yes, she is starting to do things that are a good sign. My only question is whether or not she is doing these because she wants to stay married to you, or because she wants you to spend your money on her.
I agree the "bag incident" probably was not what I should have done. However, this came after nearly one year of not speaking to my wife and at a time that there had been total silence for nearly two months. Since this time we are at least on speaking terms.
I moved out of the marital bedroom around 1 year ago. About 10 months ago she asked me back and I refused.
I'm not sure about making a fuss about this at the minute. From what I know about my wife if I make a big argument about anything at the moment she will retreat back into her shell and go back to staying in her bedroom all day.
