Welcome to this part of the forum Elbereth. Your story resonates with me. The trauma of betrayal and gaslighting by someone you love is an awful experience I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy and you and I have both been through it. It is especially difficult when you are someone who couldn’t even conceive of doing the things your ex did. Mine lied to me and gaslighted me for at least four years. He did so while continuing to tell me he loved me and convincing me it was circumstance, not choice, that was keeping us apart.
What made it even more difficult to comprehend is that it wasn’t just me he abandoned but also our children. Lucky for him, our kids were young enough and forgiving enough that he now has a good relationship with them. His daughter, my stepdaughter, however, is older and was front and centre for all of his lies. She has realized that his abandonment of her was by choice and not out of his control. So she doesn’t trust him and isn’t sure she can ever trust him. Unfortunately, he’s done little to change her opinion…only expected she forgive him because he is her dad and he somehow thinks she owes him that. Needless to say, they have very little to do with one another. It makes me sad. She deserves better as do I.
XH has married OW. I wish them well. My kids don’t need anymore changes and frankly, it doesn’t matter to me what he does anymore. I have forgiven him…for me and for my children. Carrying around negative feelings is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Easier said than done, I know, but it is worth the effort. This is not to say that I don’t still get angry from time to time. I’m human and his treatment of me was unforgivable in so many ways. But through all of this, I’ve been determined to rise above and I think I’ve done a pretty good job of it. Like love, forgiveness is a choice you have to make every day and some days are harder than others. On those days, the person you need to find forgiveness for is yourself.
You are only a year in so I know feelings are still fairly raw. I’m three years in and now that I”m past the trauma, I can see that my life is way better than it was…even before I found out about OW. I’ve had many experiences and met many people that I would not have had I been married still. I am grateful. I was extremely lonely when I was married. That kind of loneliness is even worse then when you are truly by yourself. Anyway…I just wanted you to know you are not alone and that things will get a bit better every day. Keep working on it. Feel your feelings but don’t get stuck in them. Choose better not bitter. (((HUGS)))
