My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Hello Eagle

Next week my in-laws have a family party where I'm invited to, and H as well.
They really want me to be there but in all honesty I think I will not attend since I don't feel like being in one room with H anymore if I don't have to. How do you all deal with such things?

It’s easy. You don’t want to go, so don’t go.

1/ No, I'm not OK with the default week/week custody.
2/ No, the children are not OK with week/week custody.

Good. You know where you and the kids stand.

Current arrangements are full custody for me, in the document I have proposed every 2 weeks 1 weekend to start with. Kids are OK with that.

Why the change to the current arrangement? Maybe leave out proposals and stick with current, have been going on for a while, precedent setting, full custody, arrangements that have been working out just fine. No need to put more ideas in his head.

After my talk with the expert it became even more clear as to why I really have to try to solve this without going to court. The moment L's are openly involved the judge always gives 50/50 custody to both parents, since the law states that children need to have contact with both parents as much as possible, unless you have proof of psychical abuse, etc. which is of course not the case.

So they would hear the children but this would take some time and until there is a statement they would have to go with the week/week rule.

Yes, I recalled you mentioning this previously.

Going to court is not what you nor the kids wish to do.

This is something he can use against me, although he is not aware today.
I however have also something I can use against him and that is money.
H is making a lot of money and would have to pay more child support as to what he is paying today, which is a good thing for me because money is the most important thing in the world right now for him.

Yes, your desire for custody is something that can be use against you.

I offer a re-wording change which will made a world of difference in your efforts to achieve your goals:

I however have also something I can use against him and that is money.

I do realize H is enchanted by money, more than custody.

You do not want this to end up in a fight and going to the courts. You cannot “win” in a head to head battle. H is irrational and will not give in to reason, he needs to feel he won. This is key when resolving an issue with an irrational person - their feelings must be assuaged.

I have some advice, which comes straight out of my playbook. I had success, for whatever that’s worth.

Do note: This is not against our spouse. Rather, finding a resolution giving their irrational pressures.

First up, you and the kids. You need to get ok with week/week. H might take this to that end and you and the kids need to be ok with it. That doesn’t mean you desire it, just that you can live with it and accept it and it is not forever. (Obviously you will fight negotiate for a different result.)

You and kids need to discuss this possible outcome. As my S20 told you, kids are part of the divorce. And they often have no information or voice in what is going on. So talk to them.

I told my children everything. Of course, I was lucky in that W blew the whole world apart and dragged everyone and everything in to “our” separation/divorce. That was such a blessing.

Information is power. Make your children powerful! Explain and answer questions about divorce, the process, etc. Dispel their fears and unknowns about this hidden and not talked about subject.

Second, and this is a bit weasel-like and borders close to weaponizing the children, so be careful and keep your intentions and attention to the rational task at hand.

Informed children with an understanding of the “new” life they are facing, with the possibility of having to live at Dad’s half of the time, can and will speak out. They are your kids, and gentle guidance and encouragement to let Dad know their wishes for their desired living arrangements is a good idea. Three boys texting and telling Dad what they want and how much they don’t want his plan will need to be addressed and listen too. If not, it will be H’s undoing.

My four kids clearly told Mom what they thought for her boinking OM. Of course, she opened that morality backlash door when she flaunted her first love making session which happened just before she came over to pick up more stuff. Kids have things to say, and unfortunately that usually gets stifled which has a detrimental affect upon them.

My children expressed their anger and outrage. True, at first, it was pointed incorrectly at me. They could not risk losing their Mom. However, in time, they discovered the truth - they already did. Mom was consumed and replaced by XW who stood in her place.

This is not demonizing H, nor attacking, nor using against him. It is promoting understanding for your children and encouraging them to speak their desires. All before this gets dragged to court.

This will alleviate your fears regarding going to court and ending up week/week. This will also alleviate kids fears too. The loss of fear is a powerful ally. With that particular button removed, H will have lost much of his perceived power over you. And that, first and second, changes the situation which alters the probability of this ever getting to court and ending up week/week. Funny thing, once we lose our fear of something, it seldom occurs.

Third, and basically ongoing, is the kids feedback to Dad. Once they feel secure and can speak up. Oh boy. Like I said, it will be H’s undoing if he ignores it.

The other/next part is negotiating with H. This happens while all the above things/growth are happening as well. It just ramps up the irrational pressure on H. So something to recognize and utilize accordingly. Again, not weasel-like, just finding resolution of a difficult and unwanted situation.

First and foremost for you, is realizing one of your most powerful weapons. Time.

You do not need to get divorced in a week. Or a month. Or a year. H is probably a bit desperate to get the deed done. You need not be. And if you are, tell yourself differently!

When, not if, when H will not come around or sees things too irrational, just wait it out. Let his offer languish in limbo. Let it expire non-responded to if it is too much a not fair/wanted offer.

You believe H desires money. Knowing your opponent’s desire is a good thing.

The only item really left to address is custody. You want full custody. H wants money. You can probably see a plan here. Remember, H needs to feel he won. Negotiating with an irrational person has a higher success rate when the irrational person feels/believes the resolution was their idea.

I want to interject another thing regarding children and divorce. As mentioned, most children get little to no voice. They get no information. And the biggest event that most children feel was the most damaging and detrimental to them - the loss of their family home.

They are ripped from everything they’ve know. Their bedroom. Their security. All sold out from under them.

Obviously, there are many mitigation factors and one person many not be able to swing what two were once paying for. Or there would be just too much emotional pain.There is also the ghosts of our previous life. Can you find peace? Or will the ghosts haunt? And so on.

This is, I believe, another reason my kids are where they are. I still have the family home. They still have the family home. They can walk and visit where they grew up.

If you can swing the mortgage on your income alone. If you can live with the ghosts. If you and the kids like and want the house. And that is probably the biggest question, do you want to live there? If yes, I have a suggestion.

Finesse the following idea, so H runs with it and he feels it is his.

You’ll take the kids full time. You’ll keep the house. H’s future childcare payments equate to his portion of the house. You’ll take over the house and the mortgage. H saves all those house payments, and child support payments. He makes money. You get kids and house.

You might have to add an extra lump sum payment to sweeten the pot. If H shows any interest to something like this, be cool, and let him get his offer written. Have an expert/L look it over, then sign it.

Although there are a few differences, that is basically how my separation, negotiation, and divorce played out. XW had an irrational desire to be out of the marriage and free of kids and responsibility. If H has similar pressure, and with everything else already sorted out, it may not require too much to get his name upon the dotted line.

One final thing - for today . Do not sign anything until you consult a lawyer. Always!

D