Still Goin' Solo

[Maika]

LH:

There's at least a couplea red flags there that I think one should be able to pick up on.

CW:

I can totally see some of these coming up because I would ask about it. Wouldn't you ask Q's about someone's R history and what happened? And then wouldn't you follow up with Q's about it? Like if someone told me they BD'd their husband and are out dating 5 months out - Imma be outta there. I would also ask how they've been able to overcome what happened and what they did do - did they try IC? I feel like these are like basic Q's that I'd wanna know answers to.

Also, she went to IC because she was in a hole and had no way out - it was the last desperate measure to address her panic attacks and stratospheric levels of anxiety. The reasons why her previous R ended was 100% on her lack of judgment, decision-making, living in fantasy land, and inability to see without rose-tinted glasses. The most devastating part about it is that all of those things, her sheer stupidity and selfishness, had the largest negative impact on my D, and then subsequently my S.

After going through all this, I just can't imagine taking an inventory of the other person's life to assess whether it would be a good fit for you and them. And I don't mean being some investigator here, but thinking of it as doing due diligence. I would never in a million years have anyone come near my kids without doing this work.

Ginger:

Yeh you're absolutely right. I spun outta control and now I am getting my balance back. I am trying to refocus all my energy into my life and the kids.

[Ginger1]

Eh, who cares what the thought process is of her new boyfriend.

You and your kids are the important ones !

[Dawn70]

LH:

There's at least a couplea red flags there that I think one should be able to pick up on.

CW:

I can totally see some of these coming up because I would ask about it. Wouldn't you ask Q's about someone's R history and what happened? And then wouldn't you follow up with Q's about it? Like if someone told me they BD'd their husband and are out dating 5 months out - Imma be outta there. I would also ask how they've been able to overcome what happened and what they did do - did they try IC? I feel like these are like basic Q's that I'd wanna know answers to.

Also, she went to IC because she was in a hole and had no way out - it was the last desperate measure to address her panic attacks and stratospheric levels of anxiety. The reasons why her previous R ended was 100% on her lack of judgment, decision-making, living in fantasy land, and inability to see without rose-tinted glasses. The most devastating part about it is that all of those things, her sheer stupidity and selfishness, had the largest negative impact on my D, and then subsequently my S.

After going through all this, I just can't imagine taking an inventory of the other person's life to assess whether it would be a good fit for you and them. And I don't mean being some investigator here, but thinking of it as doing due diligence. I would never in a million years have anyone come near my kids without doing this work.

Ginger:

Yeh you're absolutely right. I spun outta control and now I am getting my balance back. I am trying to refocus all my energy into my life and the kids.

You THINK there are a couple of red flags someone would pick up. YOU can see them coming up because YOU would ask. Take a step back for just a second, Maika, and realize that you are not him and he is not you. You KNOW these red flags exist, so of course you see them. And, again, you have NO idea what she has told him, what he has asked, so it is possible that he's asked and she's given him the little Mary sunshine version. I don't read newcomers hardly at all anymore, but I remember when I first came here there was a lot of talk over there about mind reading and that seems to be what you are doing. You have no idea how or why this guy missed red flags that you see so clearly but you do NOT know his whole story nor her version of what she's shared. Like G said, this is only a boyfriend, so don't put so much energy on him and his relationship to her. If he is good to your kids, you are golden. You can't compare yourself to him (or him to you...however you want to say it) because that is just going to leave you frustrated. Y'all are 2 different people and your XW is not the same woman to you that she is to him. Let it go and focus on you and the kids.

[LH19]

LH:

There's at least a couplea red flags there that I think one should be able to pick up on.

CW:

I can totally see some of these coming up because I would ask about it. Wouldn't you ask Q's about someone's R history and what happened? And then wouldn't you follow up with Q's about it? Like if someone told me they BD'd their husband and are out dating 5 months out - Imma be outta there. I would also ask how they've been able to overcome what happened and what they did do - did they try IC? I feel like these are like basic Q's that I'd wanna know answers to.

Also, she went to IC because she was in a hole and had no way out - it was the last desperate measure to address her panic attacks and stratospheric levels of anxiety. The reasons why her previous R ended was 100% on her lack of judgment, decision-making, living in fantasy land, and inability to see without rose-tinted glasses. The most devastating part about it is that all of those things, her sheer stupidity and selfishness, had the largest negative impact on my D, and then subsequently my S.

After going through all this, I just can't imagine taking an inventory of the other person's life to assess whether it would be a good fit for you and them. And I don't mean being some investigator here, but thinking of it as doing due diligence. I would never in a million years have anyone come near my kids without doing this work.

Ginger:

Yeh you're absolutely right. I spun outta control and now I am getting my balance back. I am trying to refocus all my energy into my life and the kids.

You THINK there are a couple of red flags someone would pick up. YOU can see them coming up because YOU would ask. Take a step back for just a second, Maika, and realize that you are not him and he is not you. You KNOW these red flags exist, so of course you see them. And, again, you have NO idea what she has told him, what he has asked, so it is possible that he's asked and she's given him the little Mary sunshine version. I don't read newcomers hardly at all anymore, but I remember when I first came here there was a lot of talk over there about mind reading and that seems to be what you are doing. You have no idea how or why this guy missed red flags that you see so clearly but you do NOT know his whole story nor her version of what she's shared. Like G said, this is only a boyfriend, so don't put so much energy on him and his relationship to her. If he is good to your kids, you are golden. You can't compare yourself to him (or him to you...however you want to say it) because that is just going to leave you frustrated. Y'all are 2 different people and your XW is not the same woman to you that she is to him. Let it go and focus on you and the kids.

Nailed it!

[Maika]

Okay!!!

Let me heed the wise words of everyone who has taken the time to comment on this kerfuffle: I'm putting this new dude stuff to rest. As they say, may exW stew in the pot she's cooked.

Dawn - that 'mind reading' comment really caught me and struck a chord. It's something I absolutely loathe and here I'm doing the same. Thank you for pointing it out!

What's next? Well, I am making a kick ass dinner with kiddos tonight - Persian kebab, which I'm sure CW would enjoy. No eating off the skewer though - unless you wanna burn your lips and tongue off.

[LH19]

Also good luck finding a girl out there who doesn't have at least three of those "red flags".

[BL42]

Maika,

Also, this isn’t even an OM. So, don’t start faulting the dude yet. He didn’t break up your M, you are divorced and this is just a boyfriend. Don’t put too much mental energy into him

Yeh you're absolutely right. I spun outta control and now I am getting my balance back. I am trying to refocus all my energy into my life and the kids.

Don't worry about it. Give yourself a break on this one. Even if it's not an OM, I can imagine the rejection and lack of vindication still stings. It'll process through faster this time around and you'll get your balance back.

[Maika]

LH:

of course I'm going to run into red flags, but mostly I'd be concerned about how the other person is dealing with it or managing it. we all have emotional wounds from stuff and it's a case of what they're doing about it. it doesn't need to be resolved but they should be trying to figure it out. I'm sure that my emotional insecurities are red flags for other women, but I'm back trying to work at it. I'd like to see the same.

BL:

Thanks man! appreciate the words of encouragement and compassion. I think I'm pretty over it now. This board has a great way of knocking sense into these things. I just need to be more diligent about focusing on myself and the kids. And as I said, gym is back, diet is almost back - good baby steps.

[bttrfly]

Or maybe she feels seen with him. Think back to Wayfarer's post.

maybe, but I have doubts. Who goes rushing into a new R after the previous one ended 5 months ago - a R where exW had accepted a marriage proposal. What kinda dude decides to date someone like exW knowing all of this? like how many red flags do I need to plant in her front yard?

how do you know she told him about that? he may not know.

[bttrfly]

sorry should have just ditto'd Dawn - didn't see her post or your response. Here's where an edit button would be quite handy.