Hoping things are getting better

[SteveLW]

So, last night I took my son to his football practice. My younger son had been sick all day and my wife was feeling under the weather in the evening.
Whilst I was out my wife phoned and asked if I could buy some milk. She then said “I have made [son name] spaghetti bolagnese, just the way he like it. If I am in bed when you get home, please get him some, you can also have some too”. This is the first time my wife has made/offered me any food in over one year. I think this is a major step forward!

When I got home my wife wasnt in bed. I ate the food and said it was delicious. My wife said “Good”
We then sat up and talked about a holiday that is being planned over Christmas.

Hi think things are on the right track, but I am terrified about backsliding on my changes. I am also finding it really difficult to detach and not talk about our relationship. Finally, I really dont want things to rush and then forget all about what I want to achieve, which is permenant change and a loving relationship with my wife and children

scaredA, if you have been lurking her for a while, been reading and learning from lots of sources, and have had DB coaching sessions, then I will dispense with the usual advice that you already know. You know, GAL, 180s, and detachment. You know all that already.

I would like to focus on one thing that stood out to me:

15th August - Big argument. Said she has been seeing someone since 2018. Says she wants divorce and to move home country. I keep my cool and do not defend myself. Say I want to work on marriage and I am going to counselling. Conversation ends with wife saying if I want to start repair I need to buy her a very expensive handbag.

16th August - Go to buy bag. Wife sits in back on car on way there and way back. Says nothing, not even thankyou.

!

One of the things your research has probably taught you is that women need to respect a man to be attracted to him. sandi, who was an expert in this area, has written volumes on this. Doing things that command respect is very important. That is why the advice here is to not move out of the marital bedroom. If the WS doesn't want to sleep in the same bed then they sleep elsewhere. If the WS is in a PA then you ask them to move out of the marital bedroom. If they refuse, you move them out. Things like that.

So when your W says "If you want to work on the marriage then buy me an expensive handbag." Your answer should have been: "I want to work on the marriage but I will not buy you an expensive handbag." What your WAW/WW was doing here was it is call cake-eating. She say the opportunity to get something she wanted, and she took it. Has she worked on the marriage since this? I know you see a softening, but all of the softening appears to be around you spending money: dinners and lunches together. Trips to Europe. Etc. Where is she actually working on the MR?

Did you running out the next day and buying the handbag mean you were commanding respect? Or did it further erode her respect for you. "All I have to do is say, "if you want to work on the marriage then do this!" and he'll do it!" Not really where you want to be in your marital relationship.

I think you are doing the right thing by not initiating R talks. But when she says "Let's go on a trip to Europe", my answer would be "I am not doing that with a wife that is seeing someone else." Call her bluff. Likely it was another test. "Can I push him to the point of sleeping with 5 other men and still have him ready to buy my expensive things in order to stay together?". See what she is doing here?

I know you do not want a D. However, not getting D'd cannot be your first priority. You have to respect yourself enough to not be walked all over. That is what I see happening her. She snaps her fingers, you jump. Next time she comes up with a great idea to spend a whole bunch of your money, call her out. "Why would we go to Europe for Christmas? You are sleeping with other men and want a D?"

Start standing up for yourself. Command respect. Become a man only a fool would leave.

Yes, she is starting to do things that are a good sign. My only question is whether or not she is doing these because she wants to stay married to you, or because she wants you to spend your money on her.