We had always been very adventurous in our lifestyle: dual citizens, traveling and living overseas frequently with our young family. And one time, when we were on a 6 month work trip in South America with our young children he said 'you know, client X would never do this. She thinks I am crazy for pulling the kids out of school and moving to S.A. She is so happy doing her sports thing and living her safe little isolated life. I am so lucky to have met and married such an adventurous, incredible wife who is willing to do these sorts of things with me. You are my dream partner.'
I feel you on that Sage - the disconnect is real.
Originally Posted by Sage4
The OP is a reflection of what our exes can't feel about themselves.
very true and I can see that in my case. I've been suffering from the terrible human condition of making everything about 'me'. it's a smokescreen
Originally Posted by LH19
Nobody wants to be replaced by someone who they deem as better. Most judgements are made based on physical appearance.
true true. I'm being quite judgmental here and putting this guy down so I can feel better. I'm also making inferences about his character based on his dad bod - doesn't take care of his appearance, isn't active etc.
Originally Posted by LH19
Or maybe she feels seen with him. Think back to Wayfarer's post.
maybe, but I have doubts. Who goes rushing into a new R after the previous one ended 5 months ago - a R where exW had accepted a marriage proposal. What kinda dude decides to date someone like exW knowing all of this? like how many red flags do I need to plant in her front yard?
Originally Posted by LH19
This is based on the fact she's dating a dude with a dad bod?
I am basing that on all of the info that I have, not just cuz he's got a big dad bod.
Originally Posted by LH19
Slow down M. Like DNJ says "feelings are fleeting". Just a few days ago you were disappointed she didn't want to recon.
yeah i know. i appreciate the reminder. this all made me remember that feelings are not just fleeting, but it's based on my emotional insecurities that I need to attend to. I want to be in a place where she can have the most alpha dude in her life and it wouldn't shake me.
Originally Posted by LH19
So you have an ability to predict the future????? What if in a year she came back completely remorseful?
I think I am just trying to get to a place where if that came to pass, I would have the right mind and emotional capacity to not take that path. Her behaviors don't indicate that she's emotionally stable and has the qualities that I want in a partner.
Originally Posted by Ginger1
I think we often say our ex’s “affaired-down” based on physical appearance. I don’t think that’s fair. And I’m guilty of saying it. My ex’s OWW is short, very round, and just not all that attractive. Does that mean he chose the bottom of the barrel? No. He affaired-down in the sense that he chose a woman who had no self-esteem abs no regard for the fact my ex was married with a child on the way. She’s a very poor housekeeper, doesn’t cook, and is a hoarder. But she tolerates him and let’s him do whatever he wants. She cares for my kid though. That’s what’s important.
yeah i see what you're saying. I don't know anything about this dude aside from his physical appearance, so I have no idea if she's affaired down in the ways you're talking about. All I know is that the dude just walked past exW's red flags and that gives me some information about him. I'll find out more when the time is right. As long as he's good with my kids, I shouldn't care about anything less.
Ultimately, as LH and Sage pointed out, my ego and insecurities got in the way and I put way too much emphasis on insecure feelings than I should have. Which is a good indication of where I need to put my energies into. Which is: gym is back; diet is getting on point; i'm applying for jobs; need to restart my meditation practice; put some time into my hobbies; and then dating in 2022.
maybe, but I have doubts. Who goes rushing into a new R after the previous one ended 5 months ago - a R where exW had accepted a marriage proposal. What kinda dude decides to date someone like exW knowing all of this? like how many red flags do I need to plant in her front yard?
This will sound sarcastic, but it is a serious question. How do you KNOW dude knows all of that stuff about your XW? You aren't in his head or even in conversation with him, so you don't know what he knows or doesn't know about her past. He knows what she wants him to know, which may, indeed, be all that stuff you mentioned, but it is just as likely to be her white-washed version of it.
Originally Posted by Maika
yeah i see what you're saying. I don't know anything about this dude aside from his physical appearance, so I have no idea if she's affaired down in the ways you're talking about. All I know is that the dude just walked past exW's red flags and that gives me some information about him. I'll find out more when the time is right. As long as he's good with my kids, I shouldn't care about anything less.
Again, going back to my previous question...how do you KNOW he walked past her red flags. Hindsight is 20/20, my friend, so what are clearly red flags to you now, might not be such clear red flags to him. Or again as I said above, maybe she's doing a lot of white-washing of the truth and he's buying it. Or heck, maybe he DOES know and he just doesn't care. The point I'm trying to drive home here is that none of it matters, because your concern shouldn't be on their relationship but his interaction with your kids. If he's good to the kids, it should be just whatever with her because their relationship is between them. We've talked about this red flag thing a lot on this side of the board and I think once we get post D, we have the value or recognizing red flags a little easier than when we were on the front end of the passionate times with a person.
I realize all of that is REALLY easy for me to say from the outside looking in and being a stranger but you and I are in different places and I'm long past my XH and have moved on to husband #2, so my viewpoint is likely a little different. You've mentioned in passing fleeting thoughts of reconciliation. That may affect why you care about the person she has chosen and compare yourself to them.
I'm kind of catching up on all of your stuff so I may have very likely missed something along the way, but it does sound like you are at least trying to focus in the right direction with getting your mind and body right, applying for jobs, GAL. It is a process for sure. And, because we are all different, it is a different process for all of us.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
Who goes rushing into a new R after the previous one ended 5 months ago - a R where exW had accepted a marriage proposal.
On Bustle, a dating expert’s rule of thumb is “ Theoretically, I would give two to three months for every year you all were together to process the loss of a relationship, grieve, and pick yourself back up.” However long or short it takes to process it is their real advice. I found several sites giving 3-6mo as a typical timeline for a 1-2yr relationship. So the answer to “Who would date.. after 5 months.. after 1-2yrs” is probably most people assuming they could get through a few dates without ranting about them.
Don't worry about not knowing the entirety of my sitch. I was pretty active from 2017 to the beginning of the pandemic and then I fell off the map and came back recently.
You're absolutely right that I have no idea what has transpired between them and what he knows and what she's told him etc etc. I am speculating based on what I would want to know if I was dating someone. And even then trying to figure out what I'm being told is not some white washed stuff. You're also right that all that matters to me is how he treats my kids. Everything else is, as Ted Lasso would say, "none of my beeswax."
I don't think I really wanted recon with her. I wanted her to want it and for me to turn it down. I guess I wanted to see what she had given up and admit it. But, I also know it's a bit delusional and fantasy land in my head for that to happen. Also, I think part of it is my desire to have a partner. I was just ready to dive into the dating scene and the covid happened. Now that things are opening up, that desire has come back.
LH:
Here are the main red flags:
- her previous R ended in spectacular fashion 5 months before she started dating again - the previous R, where she had just accepted a marriage proposal and was 'in love' - didn't set proper boundaries between the kids and the previous dude - moved in within months of dating the previous dude - hasn't taken accountability of what she's done and made changes - went to therapy briefly as a stopgap measure for her R ending, but hasn't continued it - hasn't dealt with her abandonment issues from childhood; insecurities about her appearance (almost all of us have these, but it has always seriously impacted her confidence and self-image/value) - hasn't spent any real time alone outside of a R since late teens - has major paranoia and anxiety issues that haven't been dealt with
CW:
hmm.. that's an interesting timeline. but as bttrfly had pointed out earlier - this timeline varies significantly.
Here are the main red flags: - her previous R ended in spectacular fashion 5 months before she started dating again - the previous R, where she had just accepted a marriage proposal and was 'in love' - didn't set proper boundaries between the kids and the previous dude - moved in within months of dating the previous dude - hasn't taken accountability of what she's done and made changes - went to therapy briefly as a stopgap measure for her R ending, but hasn't continued it - hasn't dealt with her abandonment issues from childhood; insecurities about her appearance (almost all of us have these, but it has always seriously impacted her confidence and self-image/value) - hasn't spent any real time alone outside of a R since late teens - has major paranoia and anxiety issues that haven't been dealt with
Yeah pretty sure he would have no idea about any of these
Yes, I may be colorblind, but his ability to read her would have to be preternatural to see these. Imagine how these would come up in conversation. Her: "I believe in therapy. I spent some time in therapy after my last relationship to process and learn where I could improve." I'm often shocked how many LBSs here won't even consider IC, and here she did, and you're expecting him to assess and red flag that she didn't have enough sessions after the end of a 1-2yr relationship.
Also, this isn’t even an OM. So, don’t start faulting the dude yet. He didn’t break up your M, you are divorced and this is just a boyfriend. Don’t put too much mental energy into him
