Still Goin' Solo

[Maika]

We had always been very adventurous in our lifestyle: dual citizens, traveling and living overseas frequently with our young family. And one time, when we were on a 6 month work trip in South America with our young children he said 'you know, client X would never do this. She thinks I am crazy for pulling the kids out of school and moving to S.A. She is so happy doing her sports thing and living her safe little isolated life. I am so lucky to have met and married such an adventurous, incredible wife who is willing to do these sorts of things with me. You are my dream partner.'

I feel you on that Sage - the disconnect is real.

The OP is a reflection of what our exes can't feel about themselves.

very true and I can see that in my case. I've been suffering from the terrible human condition of making everything about 'me'. it's a smokescreen

Nobody wants to be replaced by someone who they deem as better. Most judgements are made based on physical appearance.

true true. I'm being quite judgmental here and putting this guy down so I can feel better. I'm also making inferences about his character based on his dad bod - doesn't take care of his appearance, isn't active etc.

Or maybe she feels seen with him. Think back to Wayfarer's post.

maybe, but I have doubts. Who goes rushing into a new R after the previous one ended 5 months ago - a R where exW had accepted a marriage proposal. What kinda dude decides to date someone like exW knowing all of this? like how many red flags do I need to plant in her front yard?

This is based on the fact she's dating a dude with a dad bod?

I am basing that on all of the info that I have, not just cuz he's got a big dad bod.

Slow down M. Like DNJ says "feelings are fleeting". Just a few days ago you were disappointed she didn't want to recon.

yeah i know. i appreciate the reminder. this all made me remember that feelings are not just fleeting, but it's based on my emotional insecurities that I need to attend to. I want to be in a place where she can have the most alpha dude in her life and it wouldn't shake me.

So you have an ability to predict the future????? What if in a year she came back completely remorseful?

I think I am just trying to get to a place where if that came to pass, I would have the right mind and emotional capacity to not take that path. Her behaviors don't indicate that she's emotionally stable and has the qualities that I want in a partner.

I think we often say our ex’s “affaired-down” based on physical appearance. I don’t think that’s fair. And I’m guilty of saying it. My ex’s OWW is short, very round, and just not all that attractive. Does that mean he chose the bottom of the barrel? No. He affaired-down in the sense that he chose a woman who had no self-esteem abs no regard for the fact my ex was married with a child on the way. She’s a very poor housekeeper, doesn’t cook, and is a hoarder. But she tolerates him and let’s him do whatever he wants. She cares for my kid though. That’s what’s important.

yeah i see what you're saying. I don't know anything about this dude aside from his physical appearance, so I have no idea if she's affaired down in the ways you're talking about. All I know is that the dude just walked past exW's red flags and that gives me some information about him. I'll find out more when the time is right. As long as he's good with my kids, I shouldn't care about anything less.

Ultimately, as LH and Sage pointed out, my ego and insecurities got in the way and I put way too much emphasis on insecure feelings than I should have. Which is a good indication of where I need to put my energies into. Which is: gym is back; diet is getting on point; i'm applying for jobs; need to restart my meditation practice; put some time into my hobbies; and then dating in 2022.