Hi Maika! You sound like you're on a much more even keel right now, I am happy for you. But some thoughts:
Originally Posted by Maika
The dude is not on my level physically - he's way less attractive and has a bit of a beer belly; doesn't look like he's active or keeping up with how he looks and presents himself. Granted I saw him briefly and I don't know the dude and my judgment is just very superficial. So, saying all of that, I'm like - you are dating 'this' dude? maybe he's knocking it out in every other department, but oh well.
But you knew this, didn't you? Of all the consistencies I read on these boards, our ex-partners affairing down is the most common of them all. So this should really come as no surprise to you and (as you accurately say later on) is more a reflection of what your internal narrative is about yourself than what is actually reality.
Originally Posted by Maika
lilmanboy was a very similar type of dude and this just confirms what I had suspected all along - exW is still chockful of her insecurities and needs a dude who basically worships the ground she walks. Someone who she can lord over and feel better about herself - that she is more attractive, she is smarter, and a more together individual. I know where her wounds about this come from - not just from my emotional unavailability during the marriage, but also how she grew up and her past relationships before she met me. So, I feel for her for sure because she's hurting even if she can't see it.
A well-articulated, compassionate version of schadenfreude.
Originally Posted by Maika
At the same time, I felt totally good and couldn't care less about what she was doing with this dude. This revealed to me that my triggering was still all about me and I have a lot of work to do. If this dude was smoking alpha male, I am sure my current insecurities would've heightened. But because what I saw I wasn't impressed with, I could care less.
Very, very wise and self-aware assessment. So if the day ever comes when OM actually is a smoking hot alpha, you will know how to navigate it. Because the truth is, 'it,' 'OM,' 'BD,' whatever is happening in our exes' lives, is not a reflection of us, but of them.
MOW in my situation has been a client for years. I first discovered her interest in my H when I was 6 weeks postpartum with our last child. We worked together and I saw a boob-heavy selfie she sent him (with a 'tee-hee-hee! I NEVER take selfies!'). Nursing our newborn, I told him I hadn't worked as hard as I did, sacrificed as much as I had, to let him blow up our business for some Jersey Shore bimbo and to keep it in his pants, forever, or I was out. He fell at my feet, told me she was insecure, funny but dumb and I had nothing to worry about because my beauty and intellect were galaxies beyond hers. There was enough truth here for me to believe him.
We had always been very adventurous in our lifestyle: dual citizens, traveling and living overseas frequently with our young family. And one time, when we were on a 6 month work trip in South America with our young children he said 'you know, client X would never do this. She thinks I am crazy for pulling the kids out of school and moving to S.A. She is so happy doing her sports thing and living her safe little isolated life. I am so lucky to have met and married such an adventurous, incredible wife who is willing to do these sorts of things with me. You are my dream partner.'
These things happen, for reasons that are beyond us as partners. Because it is not a reflection of us, but of them. Keep repeating this, ad nauseam. The OP is NOT a reflection of what you couldn't offer. The OP is a reflection of what our exes can't feel about themselves.
You've got this, Maika. Whether you got a glimpse of OM or not. You are good, you are worthy, you are better than what she has to offer. And you are certainly better than OM, so next time, walk on by that car without a second glance.
