Hi all, Long time lurker on this forum, first time post.
I was just wanting to let you all know about my situation and how things are going and hopefully get some advice and support! This is quite a long story, so please bear with me.
[b]Background[/b]
I'm 47 and wife is 45, we have two boys 13 and 8. My wife is Russian and I met her whilst I was working out there. We have been married since 2005 and together since 2002. We have always had a fiery relationship with lots of shouting, criticism, defensiveness from both sides. Back in July 2019 we had a really bad bust up and we didn't speak for months. I started practicing the LRT and things improved to the point that by Christmas 2019 we went on holiday with the boys. During the holiday we shared the same bed and my wife let me touch here while we slept. Things moved along rapidly and by Valentines Day 2020 we where sleeping in the same bed at home and making love regularly. My wife was constantly telling me she loved me and times where good. Looking back now, I realise that I let things move to fast and made too many changes to quickly. I also stopped practising the LRT as I assumed everything was back to normal. How wrong I was! So COVID arrived around April 2020 and we where in lockdown at home, constantly under each others feet. An argument occurred around August 2020 (I cannot even remember what it was about). The resulted in me moving out of the bedroom and starting to stonewall my wife. She started to stonewall back and basically things went on like this where we didn't talk much until September 2021. During this period my wife threatened divorce may times, even going as far as completing the papers but not filing them. We live and work in a Muslim country and me wife claims the husband needs to file the divorce (though I believe this is not the case, my interpretation is that she wants me to initiate so I can be seen as the one starting a divorce).
Recently[u][/u]
So I really do not want to loose my wife, family or marriage. Around July 2021 I restarted the LRT and I booked 6 sessions with a divorce busting coach. At the time there was total silence from my wife. Anytime I walked into a room or tried to talk, she immediately left the room. Most of the time she sat in her bedroom with the door closed. Also several times when we had an argument, my wife has told me she is seeing someone else, since 2018. I have not suspected anything, my wife volunteered this information freely without being asked/questioned. I am not sure how true this is as the information seems to be conflicting. She has also blocked me totally on whastapp and her phone. I have no way to communicate with her. In addition to seeing the coach, I started reading everything I could (MWD, Gottman, Chapman, etc). I started keeping a solution journal. I watched every video I could. So since I have started doing this there has been some small changes and some large changes. Below is a timeline of what has happened:
3rd August - Wife's Birthday- She stayed in bedroom, then came to me in evening and exploded. Asked for a divorce and said she wants to move back to our home country and leave me here with kids.
11th August - Woke me up in middle of night for a big argument. Said she is having sex with other men. Said 5 men when I asked, then changed it to 1 man. Asked for divorce and said she wants to move to our home country. Total silence at other times.
12th August - 1st session with coach
15th August - Big argument. Said she has been seeing someone since 2018. Says she wants divorce and to move home country. I keep my cool and do not defend myself. Say I want to work on marriage and I am going to counselling. Conversation ends with wife saying if I want to start repair I need to buy her a very expensive handbag.
16th August - Go to buy bag. Wife sits in back on car on way there and way back. Says nothing, not even thankyou.
17th August - 2nd Session with coach. Wife has stayed in bedroom with total silence
24th August - 3rd Session with coach. Another argument starts. Wife repeats she has been seeing someone since 2018 and this is my fault. Said she didn't use a condom with him, but not to worry he is clean. There was no mention of a divorce. As of today. 13th October, this is the last argument we have had. It is also the last mention of any affair or sex with other people or of asking for a divorce.
27th August - I was upstairs in study, wife came in and started talking about problems at her job. This was the most we have spoken in about 1 year. The total silence ended this day.
28th August - The whole family went out for a meal for my sons birthday. I made a plan of how I would behave on this evening and stuck to it. My wife said "thankyou for the meal" when we got home.
30th August – I try to initiate conversation, wife says she is tired. Some silence starts again. Wife is in a bad mood in the evening
31st August – 4th Session with coach
3rd September – Wife comes to birthday party for my son and his friends. I try to socialise with other parents (I am not very good at this). Wife introduces me as her husband. Wife unblocks me on whasapp and calls me on phone to go buy some water for the kids. Back at home wife stays downstairs in living room all night (first time in months) and watches tv with me, but no conversation
5th September – Wife told me off for destroying kids water bottle by putting it in the dishwasher. I just said ‘ok, my mistake, will pay better attention next time’. Didn’t defend myself and situation didn’t escalate
7th September – We live in a rented house and the contract is coming up for renewal. Wife started to talk about a different house she wanted to move to. Suddenly in the middle of the conversation she said she wanted us to live in two separate flats. I said ‘ok if that is what you want’. She changed again and asked me to find out about the house she wanted to move to
9th September – I sent my first whatapp to her. No response. I decide not to bomabard her with phone calls or whastapp as she may block me again.
17th September – Wife asks can whole family go out for lunch together. We all go and have lunch. Wife stays downstairs in evening and has general conversation with me. As she goes to bed, I say ‘thankyou I had a lovely day’ wife replied ‘thankyou’
19th September – I was in a bad mood, so I went to the study to avoid saying anything I shouldn’t say. Later wife came to study and asked ‘What are you doing?’ I replied pleasantly and she sat down and we talked for about 1 hour
I stopped keeping a timeline around this time. Since the 19th September we speak most evenings. She has even asked about my job and told me about some leftovers that I can have. Sometimes she has sat down beside me and our hands or legs have brushed together and she doesn’t instantly move away. However, we are still in separate bedrooms, but now when she is in her room she leaves the door open a lot. She has asked me to book a holiday with the kids in Europe over Christmas. Next week during half term, we are having a staycation for two nights in a hotel. There has been no relationship talk, as much as I desperately want to talk about us and about what she said about seeing another man. I think there have been massive improvements and things are on the right track. However I am terrified of pushing things too fast and backsliding on my hard earned achievement, particularly in a moment of anger. I am very scared that I cannot trust myself. My intention is now not to have any relationship talk until my wife initiates it and not to try and kiss/hug her until she initiates it. Which hopefully she will. Then sometimes I feel dispirited. Is she only doing this for the kids and she still hates me, or does she really want to work on the marriage? I have to keep reining myself in, I find making a plan of what I will do that evening prevents me from saying something stupid or behaving in a way that will take me away from my goal.
