I also, unwittingly, peaked her anxiety at breakfast when I asked her if she would like to work on not being scared of dogs anymore. I guess its obviously not time to work on the dog thing
It sounds like an area to tread lightly if simply asking if she'd like to work on it triggers a strong emotional reaction rather than a "No." I don't know that I'd give up, but remember you have years and years to try to slowly and gradually address this before she's an adult. The more urgent (if less pleasant) issue demanding attention is her waning desire to visit you vs. visiting mom.
Originally Posted by ScottB
Now I've taken a step towards center; giving in more and letting things go, because if I play "bad cop" I'll just lose the kids.
Yes, don't play "bad cop" or any other negative role. If you tend to be a disciplinarian, really dig into what rules you're enforcing and why. This may end up being an advantage of single parenting. You can't get away with playing unidimensional roles, but have to be a whole parent.
A couple of stories. I have a friend whose XH allows her kids unlimited screen time. She believes screen time should be limited. Since he gets so much there, she decided to play "bad cop". She disallowed any use of phones, computers, or TVs in her home. This became a key factor when her kids turned 16 in their leaving her to live full-time with her XH. (I personally limit screen time when they're here exactly the same as I would if they were here 100%--no "penalty" for time with my XW.)
On the other hand, my XW decided to feed my kids only ice cream as a way to curry their favor. I continued with my normal path of proteins, vegetables--and weekly desserts. No, I did not lose my kids, and they saw through "all ice cream" as quickly as any Disney Dad. On good days my D realized I was the one there when she had school projects or needed to figure out tampons and even told me I didn't give into peer pressure. If you're a firm but loving dad, they will see it over time.
