Still Goin' Solo

[Maika]

oh wow so many great responses.

eep in mind you got through initial BD and D and had those aspects of your life strong. It's understandable to have a bit of a backslide, you can and WILL do it again...and it will be easier this time already having gone through it once. You're already crushing it with the kids and starting back on the gym. Remember back to how you built yourself up and do that again. You'll get there one step at a time.

Thanks BL! Yeh, the road has been walked before and now I gotta walk it again. This time I do have supplies with me.

It's maddening. It's infuriating. I've had the same experience with my ExW & kids; it's a feeling of completely loss of control over how your children are raised, taught, modeled. Sorry man. Unfortunately there's just nothing we can do about it. Our Exs will do as they please, regardless of what we think or what's in the best interest of the children.

yeah definitely it is maddening and part of it is the loss of control. I knew how to deal with that, and I gotta get back there. We were starting some co-parenting, but now I'm gonna switch it back to parallel parenting, go as dark and NC as possible - not that this will change things, but it will help my sanity.

i am not trying to minimize how you feel by saying this, because i also sometimes feel that way after talking to someone or posting something that deeply upsets me too. in my opinion you are absolutely not a weakling, or wallowing in self pity. $h!t happens and it's upsetting, period. Baby you've only just begun. Look at some of us who are still moving forward, still healing, years, and years, and years later. My exh left over 6 years ago. His AP/now wife sent me an email last summer telling me to get over it they've been together for years and years and to eff off.

Again, if I judge my healing process by anyone else's I'm not doing myself any favors. I guess what I'm trying to say M is give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself because this world is a far from gentle place.

Thanks for the validation. Sometime breaking down feels like weakness, but I know it's part of the journey. The message from AP definitely stinks and seems unnecessary. You're right the healing journey has it's own timeline and I should just focus on mine rather than comparing myself to anyone else. I went on a horrendous date, which came about by total accident and my stupidity - long story; i shouldn't have gotten myself into that mess. And then the pandemic hit so I didn't venture out and the D wasn't final either so wanted to wait that out. I don't feel ready to date yet at all and just gonna put the focus on myself and the kids - get the house in order basically first.

I guess what I'm trying to say M is give yourself a break and be gentle with yourself because this world is a far from gentle place.

thanks bttrfly. those are some wise words to live by.

Do you realize how incredibly self-aware and wise you are? It would take most of us a lifetime to uncover the reasoning behind our reactions and yet you spit that out in a matter of an hour to my question.

thanks for the kind words Sage. Yeh I did IC for about a year after BD and it helped me get out the immediate abyss. I think I am going to go back when I can in 2022 - financial issues. I've spent a lot of time sitting with myself to unpack everything and just to gain understanding and so these insights have come after a lot of introspection. I wasn't just dealing with BD, but the traumas of my whole life and so I needed to get to some answers. Partly because BD just was the last straw and everything went out of control. I needed to get some control back and stop freefalling.

And now, based upon your self-aware response, I am going to gently ask you what steps you are taking to detach your self worth from your exW's opinion of you? And an even harder question: did your ex fill some holes of mothering/parenting love that you didn't get enough of as a child? Because until you open that closet of ghosts, you won't be able to fully detach from exW as the root cause may be way, way upstream.

I've really come to understand the importance of action. I always tried to change how I felt and thought, but after hearing from some folks who've gone on hard journeys, I've seen that internal change happens through action, which affects thoughts, which changes feelings. So, for me to detach my self-worth from exW, I need to actually value myself - my health and my aspirations. I need to put consistent action towards those areas so I am affirming myself every day. And that doing these things is important because I am important. If you have any other ideas, I am totally open to suggestions.

exW definitely filled the holes left behind by childhood abandonment and neglect - traumas that exacerbated my already low value from the auto immune condition. I definitely think that I need a professional to help with this area because I don't know how far I can get just by myself. I'm looking forward to MDMA therapy becoming legalized - I'm seeing incredible evidence of how phenomenal the therapeutic process is. I think improving my perceptions of myself will go a long way, just not all the way I think. Again, happy to hear suggestions on this.

I am also going to gently point out to you that you are looking for external validation for inner peace. A sh*t job, a just-OK home, a body that has fallen victim to pandemic languishing can bring us all down, but shouldn't define you. Only you define you. You are making strides here, attempting to get a new job which might allow some upward mobility in your lifestyle, but even if nothing external changes, you are still you.

because a new job isn't going to save you and a new house with a fancy pool isn't going to save you and a gorgeous GF who loves the heck out of you isn't going to save you. Only you can save you and I think you have the tools for this.

you're definitely right. all of this is an inside job. none of the material things will give way to lasting peace and inner happiness. right now a lack of all of that is just clouding my perceptions and amplifying the feelings of failure.

yeah i'm a big proponent of 'no one is coming to save you'. even when you have a loving community and all the help - which is great - but when you lean on that pillow at night, it's just you and your mind and so you have to put in the work.

Appreciate all the thoughtful comments from everyone. I had planned on quitting smoking tomorrow a few weeks back - set my quit date. So, that's gonna be a great step. Every time I feel like crap about my job, I apply for a new job. So, taking action rather than stewing in it.

Much love and thanks!