My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

Love what Sage said.

For the moment do nothing. Allow your emotions to calm and for you to find your center again. Posting here and seeking advice does just that - well done!

Children do ask questions when they are ready for the answers. Age appropriate answers. That is the tricky part.

And telling the truth is best. Lying is a path that doesn’t lead to a good place.

Then, ask yourself if telling the boys: 'is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?' If the answer in your heart is 'no' to any of these questions, then don't say anything and keep waiting for a while.

Look to your rational mind, not your heart.

Is it true? Is it kind? Is it necessary?

Each questions gets harder to answer than the one before.

Is it true? Pretty easy, at first. How much truth does one provide? And realize there is no absolute truth. There is your truth and H’s truth. Explaining both does answer many subsequent questions.

Is it kind? True kindness has a long view. The moment may appear somewhat different than the eventual outcome.

Is it necessary? Emotional growth. Morals. Responsibility. You are a parent, a role model. The parent. The role model. You are tasked with raising responsible good men. There are certain necessities along that path.

Eagle, these situations are a quandary. Ask yourself why. Why is this such a quandary?

There are many facets to that answer. Age appropriate, shielding children, breaking implied trust of SIL, etc. All summed up, you have worry and fear of doing the wrong thing. Let’s assuage that. And clarify some things so you can see more clearly see your path.

The whole family knows now, except for the children and me.

I feel very uncomfortable, for myself but definitely also towards the kids.

A difficult place to be in. “Officially” the whole family, except you and the kids, know. You feel uncomfortable living amidst that lie.

I can't tolerate anymore the fact he is lying to all of us.

You can tolerate more. You don’t want to.

“Can’t” robs you of your power. Do or do not. Will or will not.

There is very little that is truly “cannot”. If you decide on an action based upon the “fact” that you can’t tolerate this anymore, you give up your direction and control over the situation.

The “fact” is you are deciding that you won’t tolerate this lying anymore. You are going to stand up, be the role model, and lead you and the kids forward. Look to what you can do; not to what you feel you can’t.

Do I need to tell them? They've asked and I told them I don't want to share the information right now but that I would think about it.

Is it OK to tell the children that the suspected relationship their father is having is for real and that the family is aware of it?

S20 came over yesterday afternoon. He stayed overnight for today’s Thanksgiving visit and supper with the rest of the family. So while making supper for just him and I, I asked his opinion. S20 was S16 at BD, so pretty close in age to your boys currently.

His advice, is to tell them. And tell everything. Age appropriate with no over-the-top details obviously.

Be factual and open. You can and should explain cheating, immoral behaviour, adultery, and so on. They have questions and need answers. It’s our task to raise our children to be responsible healthy stable adults. And that doesn’t happen without some guidance. That needed guidance will come from elsewhere if you do not provide it. It is best if you have a hand in it.

My son listed off his friends, and yes, half of the families are divorced. Some are doing pretty well, and some families are complete disasters. The latter group has many commonalities. The main common theme is lying. Covering up the truth.

In one particular family, the uncle has had sex with all the children of his family. All the uncle’s sibling families, except my son’s friend’s mom and dad were covering it up when this news came out. They strongly urged and pushed this matter to the police. And now son’s friend’s family is black-listed and ostracized by the rest.

However, son’s friend is doing good! He is healthy and has parents that stand up for proper morals and values.

S20 assured me (and you) that 17 and 14 is older than you think. Having the full story of what is going on just under the surface all the time, having it hidden from you, is not helpful. They know something is going on and are kept in the dark. Getting the facts and details will hurt and will heal.

Son then said something that totally convinced me that I did right. He said, we are the rare ones.

I agreed, recalling how XW/Mom went nuclear and blew up our lives and threw everyone away.

No, he said, the rare part is now. Where you are.

Huh? I admit I was taken aback. Stunned. What do you mean? I asked.

Son elaborated. You are happy. I am happy. Having all those sordid and immoral details out in the open, seeing how you handled them, the kindness, the morals displayed by you. Where you and we are now. Most don’t get here because they don’t have the facts and details of what happened.

OMG! To have been told so directly.

Children are a product of our marriages. In that, they are part of our marriages. They are, therefore, part of our divorces.

Do not neglect the most important parts of our lives. That is you and the children.

I followed up and ask several more questions. Clarifying my son’s view. We discussed for quite some time. Would it have been better to hide or not have had some certain details. Son considered for a time and - No. That was a rational absolute assured answer from a brilliant quantum physicist. I’d place a lot of stock in his hands. Heck, I’d place my life in his, or any of my children’s, hands.

Trust is the bases for everything that follows. Or lying can be.

Turns out we are listened to, followed, a role model, an example, far more than even I believed. Trust, respect, kindness, compassion, understanding, empathy, acceptance, forgiveness, love, joy. Live the good tenets.

I know 1 of them will break all contact as well. He told me several times in the past he would not tolerate this in his life when he knows for sure.

I personally want to go NC with him, have done enough and can't bare his BS anymore about his FOO's and depression etc.

Then we have the fact that SIL told this in privacy, I don't want her to get in trouble.

How do I deal with this?

Let go the fear and do the right thing.

Tell SIL you know about the pictures. Tell her you are going to inform the kids. And, as my son even said, let the chips fall where they do.

In the end, if maintaining a relationship with SIL requires covering up and keeping things from your children, it is not worth it.

Your boys have directly asked you. Do not exaggerate or embellish Dad’s pursuits. Do not demonize Dad. Do not down play his behaviour either.

Lead and be a beacon towards: Love the sinner. Forgive the sin. And all the other steps along the way. (((Hugs)))

D