I am sorry you are going through all of this right now. It's a lot, and just proves that no matter how far along we are in our situations, feelings still come up from time to time and the trauma of BD is real. But as we have been told by wise ones on this board, feelings are fleeting and my guess is you won't feel this way in a day, week or month. You are wise to sleep on these thoughts right now.
Thanks Sage! Yeh, the trauma takes time to get past and I thought I was over it and I realized that I am not in many ways.
Originally Posted by Sage4
But at the same time, there was a small part of you that imagined her coming back after ending it with lilmanboy. Why? Was it so you could turn her down spectacularly and finally get a chance to tell her what you really think of her? Or, are you still truly in love with her despite all the things she has done?
This is a great question and observation. I think part of me wanted her to ask me to piece with her and that I would turn her down - not spectacularly, but still have some vindication that she made a big mistake. However, I don't think that is it because it's more like a revenge fantasy that is ridiculous. I don't think I am still in love with her because when I look at her through sober eyes, she is not the right person for me to have a partnership with.
I think that my wanting her to pick me stems from a total lack of self-worth and self-value. This is a bit of a long story but I've had an auto-immune condition since I was a lil kid and that completely destroyed my self worth and self value over the years - if I say more it'll be easy to figure out my details. That coupled with other family and childhood trauma added fuel to the fire. I never imagined that a woman would ever be interested in me due to my auto-immune condition and that was the case for most of my life. It's a condition that I cannot hide. I had some gfs here and there, but it never felt real to me, that someone would actually want to be with me. So, when exW wanted to be with me and marry me, that felt like out of a dream to me. I never imagined that a woman would find value in me.
I am still stuck in that rut of not thinking that I am worth anything. I am not an unattractive dude. In the past few years I've started slowly developing my senses around a woman being interested in me - something that I had never cultivated growing up since I never thought it would be a possibility. I know that there are women who find me a catch and intellectually I know that I have great value and I know what I bring, but emotionally and mentally I am not there yet.
So, part of what's triggered me here is that I want exW to see that I still have value and I am worthy of her time and attention, just like she did when we got together. And I know it's foolish but I think that's what's been a problem. I don't love her. I love the idea of her wanting me and thinking of me as someone with value.
Originally Posted by Sage4
Do you have something in your parenting plan that you can refer to here? And if not, due to the unfortunate events with lilmanboy, would it not make sense to add something if you can't agree.
No we don't have something explicit in our agreement. We did verbally agree that we would give each other a heads up, but she didn't do that with lilmanboy and I figured after how things went down with him, she would have the sense to know better. I should've said something but the idea that she would go have a new R in a matter of months seemed incredulous considering how it went down. But, it's on me that I should've said something to remind her about it. Putting it into the agreement now seems like a petty and expensive thing to do. For me it just seems like common sense, but obviously for her it's not.
Originally Posted by Sage4
The first step would be to talk to ex about how you can navigate this in the future. But you have to get yourself to a place of neutrality about it. The conversation can't happen if there is even a whiff of you trying to control her. Because you can't. And exW doesn't owe you any more information than 'I am seeing someone and I would like to introduce him to the kids over dinner this week. I am telling them he is just a friend for the time being. Just wanted to let you know in case they say something to you.'
yeah I can't approach this in an accusatory manner. She owes me exactly what you wrote out basically, but she hasn't had the decency to do that. Considering how she's been more forthcoming and congenial about other things in the past few months, she should've mentioned it. But as I said earlier, her niceness is suspect and I've not bought into it, and now I know it's a sham. It's just a way for her to exercise control.
After I wrote that post, I was just stewing and that wasn't any good. One of the things that I am trying to do is have a 'bias towards action'. It's something I've heard from Rich Roll and other folks who have gotten past their challenges in life. I just went on a drive and put on a podcast interview with David Goggins and it lit a fire up my a$$. I know that I have to continue to do the work more earnestly and with discipline.
My absolute first priority is to get a new better paying job and then move out of this place to somewhere nicer. I am already taking care of my health since the last week and I know how to execute in that area.
This community has been a lifeline for me over the last few years and so I am always grateful that I can come here first before I do anything.
