Create the life...

[Elbereth]

But first, a couple of responses owed to my friends.

Hi Elbereth, so nice to hear from you even if life is hectic. ((Hugs)) Looking forward to your next update where you sell the house or get a work bonus and are catching us up while drinking Mai Tai's on some Hawaiian island.

I laughed when I saw your post. HOW DID YOU KNOW? Haha. The house sold and at more than asking price. And even with the loans being paid off, the remaining funds will help to heal the heartache of losing my dream home. And yes, I got a bonus for the first time at this company, even though I have worked with them steadily for so many years! It wasn't huge, but hey, it was nice! I am still waiting to get a secure position, so that has been very frustrating. And finally, why YES! I am going to Hawaii very soon! And I do plan to drink a lot of Mai Tai's and get lots of sun and rest! ((hugs back at you)) I am looking forward to catching up on your sitch as it's been way too long overdue!

Sometimes my managers have reached out to me to help them quantify my impact or list my responsibilities in order to help them justify an award or salary raise or level promotion. HR sometimes has policies and inputs on the process which managers can't always answer on their own and the easiest answer is to ask the employee. As a manager I've done that at times with my employees. So...not saying that IS the case, but it MAY be that their ask is actually a good sign.

Thanks for your message and your encouraging words. You are right, they have asked for a more detailed list of all the things I do, and hopefully that will help in getting a solid position as well as more money than just lumping me into some title. So, I'm hoping it's all a good sign like you say. I will keep you posted!

For DejaVu6, thanks for the ((hugs))...

So, I have an instagram account for dealing with my situation and my trauma. Sometimes, when I need a quick emotional fix, the group of folks out there helps, just like here. But there it's more abstract and not as focused, which sometimes fits when my emotions are overwhelming. It was there that someone pointed me to betrayal trauma...and in digging deeper, I realize that I have suffered more than I thought emotionally, and the nightmares, flashbacks, anxiety, stress, and yes anger, etc, are not me being weak or going crazy. I spent some time doing a free course and it helped. I am still struggling, but at least I realize why and how to begin to move through it. I mean, I know I don't want to be with my H anymore, I realize he's been lying for a lot longer than I realized, and I know I will get through this and come out stronger...but I didn't understand why I still felt so lousy and angry and stressed. On top of the betrayal, I now realize that my H was probably a covert narcissist. And once I started to shut down (from stress and ill health) that was when our marriage started to fall apart. So instead of love and support, I was being told I wasn't doing enough, I was sleeping too much, I was crazy or too sensitive, etc, etc, etc. And having to deal with the house situation, mostly on my own, and still having to have regular contact with H, wasn't helping me but instead prolonging the healing from the trauma of the last few years of my relationship. So this is the crazy emotional state I am in, and now I cannot wait for the divorce to be finalized so that I can truly focus on my healing and creating the life I want for myself.

With the house sale that is a big part of the divorce. But as my H lied to me, took money, and I have no trust for him, my lawyer has suggested that the proceeds from the home be mostly put into a safe place until the division of the assets is finalized. In addition, my H has no idea that we will be doing discovery on him. It's about to get ugly... But it's necessary as he took so much from me that I want to ensure he doesn't get away with the lies and hiding money from me. I've not been emotional with him, rather, totally civil and no drama. But I've done that mostly for me...as I don't think it would do any good anyway, and it would only 'feel' more stressful internally. Lashing out doesn't make me feel good. It's not my way.

Anyway, that is most of where I am at currently. I'm doing my best to try to make time for self-care, but it's been less than usual since I've been so overwhelmed. I'll probably be exhausted completely by the time I get to Hawaii, and I hope that I won't have to work much when I get there. But I am doing my best each day to move forward, face my feelings, but also look towards the future I want for myself. Thanks friends. For always listening and for your support and encouragement.

El