I am sorry you are going through all of this right now. It's a lot, and just proves that no matter how far along we are in our situations, feelings still come up from time to time and the trauma of BD is real. But as we have been told by wise ones on this board, feelings are fleeting and my guess is you won't feel this way in a day, week or month. You are wise to sleep on these thoughts right now.
I could give you some 2x4's about getting your GAL game back on and taking charge of your mental and physical health, but there are others on this forum that will do so I want to focus on what you are experiencing with exW.
You doing great with the kids is a priority, so great job on that.
Originally Posted by Maika
1. she created conditions for another man to think he could kiss her; which he did and she enabled the EA (while we were married; but after BD) 2. Lying about her whereabouts during marriage 3. hasn't done any real emotional work 4. moved in with lilmanboy within three months 5. lived in a fantasy land with lilmanboy and wanted some fairytale ending 6. didn't set proper boundaries between lilmanboy and children 7. the $hit that went down that led to serious issues with D and S 8. tried to blame me for what happened that ended her previous R 9. unable to spend time alone 10. unable to be accountable and has paranoia and huge anxiety issues 11. get a new R rather than spend time alone to figure out her $hit 12. plays nice when she wants something (she's been doing this for the last few months) 13. manipulative and disingenous (i don't buy her new act) 14. thinks she has to 'handle' people 15. started dating again after previous R with lilmanboy ended 16. still acting selfishly and justifying her behavior as 'good' for the kids
I like your list. Mine is really similar to yours. Even one or two of those items is enough to not consider your exW relationship material. And I believe that rationally you know this. But at the same time, there was a small part of you that imagined her coming back after ending it with lilmanboy. Why? Was it so you could turn her down spectacularly and finally get a chance to tell her what you really think of her? Or, are you still truly in love with her despite all the things she has done?
I ask this because if it's the former, then you are giving her too much power over you, power she doesn't even seem to be asking for, and certainly does not deserve. Is she a proxy for all the suffering you are experiencing right now in the rest of your life; things that appear to be out of control (but really are not) such as job, health and mental headspace? Is it easier to use her as a handy hook for your challenges than to face them head on? And is it easier for you to spend the mental energy trying to control her and find all the red flags in her situation than to acknowledge yours in your own life?
And if it's the latter, and you are still in love with her deep down, that just takes time. And the more you stay out of her business, the better off you will be. Because you can't control who she loves or when she resumes dating or even who she introduces to the kids. It svcks. It's hard. But she is going to do her, serial dating and all and you can't do one GD thing about it except accept it. .
Regarding the kids and introducing someone new (you have no power over WHO she introduces, BTW), I am not sure what the standard operating orders are for something like this (my stbxH's OW lives far away for the time being and we don't have an official parenting plan yet), but if we look at a post-d relationship with kids as simply being a co-parenting R and nothing more, then it would be in the best interest of the kids for one parent to inform the other when introducing someone new. Because kids have questions and they are also really, really perceptive and will see on your face when they have told you something that you didn't know, no matter how straight-faced you will be. And kids don't like to know more than their parents, it disrupts the equilibrium and their sense of safety. Do you have something in your parenting plan that you can refer to here? And if not, due to the unfortunate events with lilmanboy, would it not make sense to add something if you can't agree.
The first step would be to talk to ex about how you can navigate this in the future. But you have to get yourself to a place of neutrality about it. The conversation can't happen if there is even a whiff of you trying to control her. Because you can't. And exW doesn't owe you any more information than 'I am seeing someone and I would like to introduce him to the kids over dinner this week. I am telling them he is just a friend for the time being. Just wanted to let you know in case they say something to you.'
Originally Posted by Maika
I have work to do, like Sisyphus, gotta push that stone to the top of the mountain again. I thought I got there pre-Covid, but now it's all over again.
Great analogy. My guess is that this time won't last as long nor be as tough as the initial BD. Because surely Sisyphus gained some muscle over the years rolling that rock up the mountain so many times?
Hang in there Maika, your wisdom on this board is so helpful to others', I know you have it in you for your own situation.
