So, this is more of a journal entry / vent session. I'm just putting my thoughts out here because I feel triggered today and instead of doing something, I thought I'd journal here and get some perspectives.
Not gonna do much of a background - BD in 2017; exW new OM in 2018; exW R implodes in 2020; D finalized in 2020.
Before COVID hit, I spent June 2019-March 2020 really working on myself. I got my diet in gear (I have a chronic health condition due to crappy genes); I was in the gym five days a week; I was climbing; and my emotional and mental health were better than ever. Then the pandemic hit and it all went downhill - I basically lost all my physical, mental and emotional gains, and I feel like I became very brittle in all areas. I started smoking again and drinking more than usual. Aside from the pandemic, when exW's R imploded with lilmanboy, it was devastating for my kids due to what happened and we're finally getting to a place where it's stable.
I am giving that short background because I wanna talk about something. I feel like if this had happened when I was solid, I wouldn't have been affected. Here it goes.
I've suspected for a while that exW has gotten into a new R - probably from around May this year. Which would make it 5 months after her previous R ended - lilmanboy had proposed to her and she had said yes to marriage. And she was in love with this idiot, or that's what she said to me.
I don't want to go into too many details, but a few days back something happened which made me feel like I was pretty right in my suspicion that she's in a new R. And today, she had dinner with the new dude and the kids at her place. I haven't been put in the loop about that - introducing someone new to the kids without giving the other person the heads up about it. My kids text me good night and they mentioned that he was there. I only know this dude by name.
I am feeling emotionally and mentally weak because of it. I don't know why, but I feel like all the detachment and emotional fortitude I had built up just evaporated. I felt kinda like BD all over again, in a smaller way. I guess after her previous R ended, maybe some part of me wished that she would now pick me instead and we could try and build what was destroyed. I am so angry at myself for feeling this because I know intellectually that is horse$hit. I even keep a list of things on my phone to look at whenever I start thinking about maybe being a place to piece with her. I'll write it out here:
1. she created conditions for another man to think he could kiss her; which he did and she enabled the EA (while we were married; but after BD) 2. Lying about her whereabouts during marriage 3. hasn't done any real emotional work 4. moved in with lilmanboy within three months 5. lived in a fantasy land with lilmanboy and wanted some fairytale ending 6. didn't set proper boundaries between lilmanboy and children 7. the $hit that went down that led to serious issues with D and S 8. tried to blame me for what happened that ended her previous R 9. unable to spend time alone 10. unable to be accountable and has paranoia and huge anxiety issues 11. get a new R rather than spend time alone to figure out her $hit 12. plays nice when she wants something (she's been doing this for the last few months) 13. manipulative and disingenous (i don't buy her new act) 14. thinks she has to 'handle' people 15. started dating again after previous R with lilmanboy ended 16. still acting selfishly and justifying her behavior as 'good' for the kids
I read this list to remind me what she has done so that I can keep a sober perspective about her.
When I think about this new R logically, it's a HUGE RED FLAG
1. Who decides to date after 5 months of ending a R where she was going to get married? 2. What kind of person dates someone who has just gotten out of a serious R? - this new dude 3. How is this not a minefield of red flags?
When I think about all of this, I know that even if I had the option of piecing with her, it would be a ridiculous idea. But I am still feeling like garbage right now - emotions don't listen to rational thoughts.
I know what I have to do - get my life in order. I am just in a bad place because nothing in my life is truly working right now
1. I am in a crappy job where I am overworked and seriously underpaid for what I do (been trying to get a new one for the last year and no dice, but I am still sending out applications) 2. My place is not nice, but I can't afford anything better right now due to my finances 3. My health has been in the gutter during the pandemic which could lead to serious issues if I don't get things in order 4. My abysmal mental and emotional health has created a negative feedback loop which enables smoking and drinking.
I feel like on every front, I am doing very poorly.
But some things are good: my R with the kids is super solid; I just started going back to the gym; and I am slowly getting my diet back on track
I know what I have to do - getting GAL back as now things are opening; writing and pursuing my creative interests; quitting smoking and taking a break from drinking; and getting back my meditation practice.
Intellectually I know all of this, but my heart is hurting. I tried to justify my trigger to - how dare she bring someone into the kids lives without telling me? but I know that is just me trying to exercise control, and I know that I have none when it comes to this. I think the trigger is because I slid back into the 'pick me dance' and wanted her to see me for what she had thrown away.
I know this is getting super long but I just wanted to write it out so at least it's out of my system. I have work to do, like Sisyphus, gotta push that stone to the top of the mountain again. I thought I got there pre-Covid, but now it's all over again.
If anyone has thoughts, it's appreciated. I thought I'd come and write this instead of sending her a text about why she didn't let me know she was introducing someone to the kids.
