He clearly displays some of the major hallmarks of a MLC. Crisis individuals display confusion. Not just a “hey where am I”, they display a deep profound disconnect. That disconnect comes from them living two (or more) simultaneous lives. I don’t mean some cover up lying - I mean really living two different view points inside their head.
BD usually is a time where one view becomes predominate and they really start running. If it is fated, some slow their running and those other view(s) return to the fore. An awakening would have such duality of life with none to very little running behaviours.
H is very confused. Wants to have his own life and still be a family. He can understand why you have the view you have and then he cannot understand. Back and forth he will switch, ping-ponging and flip-flopping. He is still running and still within the abyss of a crisis.
His view of his Mom is pretty interesting. Especially the language and wording he used. Lots of buried stuff regarding that, methinks.
And of course he had the MLCer standard example of the “other couple” that this works for. Lol.
H is still driven by emotions. These different views of his are all valid and true - at the time he is feeling them. That may be for mere seconds to minutes to hours. You saw him switch right in front of your eyes and within the space of two sentences.
Emotions and irrational convictions. That is where and what his living at the moment. Nothing you can say or do will lift him out of that. He has to work his own way through.
kml’s succinct summary translation is pretty accurate of the completely irrational view he is feeling.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
For me today it gave and still gives me a feeling of liberation, of relief for now. When you start looking at them from a distance, you actually realize that you can't change their condition.
So glad you feel liberated and a sense of relief. It is quite a view once we step back and take it in. We really are quite powerless to affect their path. Not so for our path.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
So I am at peace with it. I'm relieved that I can let go of the burden that I'am the one who had to help him go through this. I actually believed this for a very long time. I realize more and more I can't.
Love that peaceful feeling. And yes, letting go is so much a relief.
I really like you finding this belief you needed to alter, to discard. We all hold certain convictions, certain beliefs. Strengthen those that serve. Alter/discard those that don’t. Believing you had to help H go through this took some time and distance for you to realize and then alter. Well done! Be proud, that is no small task or small victory. This is a major step forward and a major step in healing. Our beliefs and values shape and define our world, and you are doing very well with your world view.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
Conclusion of the conversation: • We continue with the divorce, I'm picking up where I left it a few months ago. • I retain custody of the children, he will have them 1 weekend every 2 weeks. • He checks to buy in the house, as long as the full process is not completed, he will stay in airBnB when in the country, so no longer in the house.
Very good. I hope he does continue as he stated.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
So on the way to a new life. Together with the support of my loving family, friends, and above all, all of you who understand me so well, I know I will get there!
Absolutely you will get there!
Take your time discovering that new life. You are worth doing it right and fully.
For the next little while you have some legal stuff to sort out. You’ve got a good plan and had things ready. You’ve done all you could do and now is the time to continue.
You so got this!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
