Went for a drink with H yesterday as he wanted to talk.
What really struck me is how broken this man is, he is still trying to revive it but I can't imagine this will go on for years. You can see how he also realizes it slightly, but is still in the phase where he doesn't want or can't change anything yet. (examples of his realization are that he knows he has a major depression, that his problems are relatated to the love he never had from his mother but he doesn't seem to make the link that he projects this on the people he loves the most) Anyway, this is in his hands, not in mine anymore.
I just wanted to give you a brief outline of what his way of thinking is.
H would love nothing more than to be able to live his own life (including having OW's) but still function as a family. He sincerely believes this and really could not understand that this was not possible for me. He gave an example of a famous couple who still live together with their children under the same roof. (was in the paper last week) Important nuance, those people have 1 clear boundary, they do this as long as the two parties don't have another partner in their lives. When I clarified this he seemed to understand a bit what I meant but this was gone just as quickly.
I made it clear to him that this is not what I want. He seemed to accept that perfectly, but couldn't understand it, and if I can't do that, then there is no other option then to go forward with the divorce, I simply agreed.
At one point he said that I am the woman of his life but that today he cannot give me what I want but that I will always come first. If there is a family party that I have to attend, another woman will never be welcome there. He decides what to do in his life, another woman will have nothing to say. (I guess he will always have relationships of very short duration…)
He also became more talkative about his visit to the psychiatrist and his current relationship with his mother. So H knows that he has depression and has also discussed this with the psychiatrist. However, this psychiatrist has not recommended any medication for H, the reason is because he is still functioning in his job and if he started taking medication he would have too many other side effects that could affect his functioning at work.
As for his mother. He sees his mother as a handy tool (this is exactly the word he used!!). She is good to pick him up and take him to the airport, to know the latest gossip (she always has something to say about everyone, H likes to hear all these stories since his MLC and through her he knows everything). The bottom line is that he will treat her the same now as she has treated him all her life. He knows she treats him like a child because she thinks she will get money from him, and thus gives her "hope" but he will never give her anything, he wants to punish her for what she has done. (I honestly didn't know what I heard, even less what to say to that, so I just kept quiet...)
Conclusion of the conversation: • We continue with the divorce, I'm picking up where I left it a few months ago. • I retain custody of the children, he will have them 1 weekend every 2 weeks. • He checks to buy in the house, as long as the full process is not completed, he will stay in airBnB when in the country, so no longer in the house.
Furthermore, he plans not to move to the home country but to a neighboring country. Supposedly for the money, because he can earn more in that country because of the different way of taxation, in reality I think this is an intermediate step, that he wants to live closer but not completely in his own country yet.
How do I feel about it:
For me today it gave and still gives me a feeling of liberation, of relief for now. When you start looking at them from a distance, you actually realize that you can't change their condition. So I am at peace with it. I'm relieved that I can let go of the burden that I'am the one who had to help him go through this. I actually believed this for a very long time. I realize more and more I can't.
H just sent a text message: Thanks for talking and listening yesterday. I hope we keep doing that because I will also need this on how to handle the kids and so on.
My answer: You're welcome. You know that you will be able to count on me in difficult times, however some things will take time and space.
Unfortunately, I can't pretend to be anything other than who I actually am. I have therefore also sent this answer, because I know that this is what I will effectively apply to him.
But I will now fully initiate the letting go process.
So on the way to a new life. Together with the support of my loving family, friends, and above all, all of you who understand me so well, I know I will get there!
