Out of the bottle

[BL42]

Magnhild,

My IC suggested that I really needed to hear her say that the marriage is officially over for her, rather than her just needing some space. So, yep, we did have a relationship conversation last weekend. Geez, I ended up being her emotional punchbag again and, after having felt pretty centred for a while, I was a wreck.

Ok, you heard it. Did that help? Try not to make it a pattern of "just need to hear it officially official one more time". As I'm sure others will mention, part of the reason for no R talks is they almost never change the situation, but more importantly because they can be a blow to you and set you back. You became a wreck because of the R talk. It set you back a bit. No worries, happens to everyone, but try to keep your head up and move forward from here.

I did my best "This is not what I want, but I accept this is how you feel" speech.

Don't think it's meant to be a speech. Just a simple statement then end it/walk away.

Even though she tells me that she had forgiven me for whatever sins I committed in the M, she is still so, so angry at me. I really wasn't that bad! But I did a good job of validating. My IC keeps telling me we both had a part to play in the demise of our M, but I didn't tell W that.

The anger is typical. My ExW was so angry at me and I couldn't understand it - she was the one having the affair. Part of it could've been things building up over a long time she never let out and part of it could be her not wanting to accept the blame for the affair and ending the marriage.

I was very surprised that she came to see me at the end of school the next day. She said she wanted to check in about work stuff (I had mentioned the mess things are at school the previous day) to see how I was.

This is starting to sound manipulative. She's divorcing you and angry and blaming you for everything...yet she stops by casually to "check in"? Don't let her play with your emotions like that. Tell her not to "stop by" and if that doesn't work tell your supervisor you need her to keep things professional.

She was off to see her dysfunctional family (her words) and thinks her mother has now given up living. She is really emotional about loads of stuff - not just me.

My ExW cut her dad out of her life for 5 years. Now he's back in her life and watching the kids. My ExW would frequently complain about her mother and how "psycho" she was, yet leaned on her 100% to enable the affair/D. When she said those things about her family it made me and my family feel like we were closer to her. The only thing was...what was she saying to her family about us? What is your W telling her family about you? When people say bad things and complain about others to you, it's not unlikely they're doing the same behind your back.

I really don't think I'm holding on to the fact that she may change her mind at some point.

I'll be honest, however much I'm told that this M is over, I still hold on to some hope. Why is this? I'm a rational person, yet even when things are laid out in black & white, part of me still hopes.

Are these two statements congruent?

On the positive front, I've been getting on with GAL and having a lot of fun times with friends.

Great! Keep it up. GAL makes everything so much better.

It's so difficult to detach when we work in the same place.

I bet. Tell her NOT to just "stop by" at work. If that doesn't work get your supervisor or HR to tell her.