Thanks. I know I will. This one will have a little more structure. 😉
I have been in the bargaining phase the beginning of this year, followed by depression, came out, proceeded with D as I was ready for it, (remember I was about to sell the house), but went back about 3 months ago. Why, because I saw improvement in H, believed the manipulative behavior (he did not want to sell so he did his thing to draw me back in, which worked…), but had an awakening the last days. I guess I’m mad at myself for having this relapse.
Originally Posted by DnJ
“I can’t and won’t allow this anymore.” You don’t control that. You have no power to forbid nor disallow H from seeing OW2 or OW3,4,5. You can only control you.
I know I only control my path. My wording was wrong. I know this, this is upon him, but I can say to not allow this in my life.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Be hopeful. H actually went and talked to someone. He sees and acknowledges some of his past. This is far more than my XW has ever done. Consider that.
Yes DnJ, I’m hopeful, hopeful for him that this can help him to follow the right direction and proceed with healing.
But I have a choice not to wait for this anymore.
This evening he accused me of pulling the kids away from him (have always done the exact opposite, he is the one pushing them away but he needs someone to blame), I suffocate him (he is already a year away from home, I never initiate calls or texts), he wants divorce, he’s paying too much money for the kids etc. Blame-blame-blame. Can he do that, Of course, but I don’t want to hear it anymore. Yet again my choice. So I walk away.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Discuss openly with kids their wishes. At 17 and 14, your three boys are old enough to make informed decisions. Talk with them individually first to ensure each speaks their heart and mind without any peer affect.
I have done this. S17 doesn’t want to live anymore under one roof with him. He wants our own place, and wants to visit his father once and awhile, not on a regular basis. He is not old enough to decide this following our law, but they ask the preference of the children.
Twins14 both have the same opinion. They will go regularly but only 2 days every 14 days. Only when his behavior is ok.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Yes, you did create your own BD.
I’m not sure you meant the wording you used. It is completely accurate. It is your BD!
Haha, I meant the wording I used!
Originally Posted by DnJ
Less words is better.
Telling him you let go is much less effective than just doing it.
I know. I always use too much words. I’m a bit of a control freak and always think they won’t understand me if I don’t point it out clearly.
Originally Posted by DnJ
My dear friend, it’s not the answers you desperately seek, for you are still formulating the deep questions. Regardless, clear direction is still possible and helps with finding both question and answer.
Originally Posted by DnJ
For what’s it worth, those that say “I don’t care” actually do care. One who truly doesn’t care, doesn’t care enough to mention it, they just leave or move on or whatever. So let’s agree and admit you still care.
No ultimatum!
Of course I agree. I do still care and an ultimatum is not an option. (Anger = emotion took over in this sentence)
Thank you for the last part of your reply. All the answers are in there, and I even didn’t have to think about it. (Was exactly what I wanted when I came out of bargaining/ depression last time)
I do know what I want:
Do I want to be divorced? No, I only want financial security, which is ok for now, with exception of the house. If I want to buy a new house, I will need to be divorced, otherwise all our belongings are still mutual. Something to keep in mind.
Do I still want to live under one roof with him, even though it is only a few days a month? No, I don’t. I want to have my own place, separately from him, meaning he has to buy it or we need to sell it.
Do I want to let go and leave it in the hands of ….??? Yes, I want to let go. I’m standing for me now. If H chooses the right path again, we will see from there.
Glad this is just before bedtime. This will give me some peace this night.
Sleep well.
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
