My Story P3...Acceptance of the MLC Madness

[DnJ]

Good Morning Eagle

(((Hugs)))

Breathe. It will be alright.

Let’s unpack some of what you said and together find your possibilities and forward path.

Yes, everything here is meant for you. Your well being is paramount. Marriage is a bonus, if it is meant to be.

First of all you know that when H left the last time I was going to send him a message in regards to my acknowledgement of him seeing an OW2. I didn’t since I wanted to hold on to what was left between us because I saw improvements, and secondly I wanted to make sure he contacted the psychiatrist, which he did. (I understand now that these are two separate things)

H has contacted the psychiatrist. Good. You’ve done your part. The rest is on H. You can let this go now.

Back a few years ago I was grasping at straws. Bargaining and trying (note: trying not doing ) to get things back to how they were or more accurately start XW on her path to get her back to here. One of those “tries” was some medical information which I knew she would never accept from me. So, my one and only time I had my son pass on some helpful information to his Mom. She did nothing with the information.

I did what I could. Son knew I cared about his Mom and he did what he could. After that, she is in God’s hands.

Bargaining is part of our healing. It is a normal response to loss and a healthy part of the process.

[This] will be a bit of everything but I want to be clear as much as possible since I would like your opinions. I know this is an emotional thread, I'm clearly aware of that but it is what it is and I need to vent.

This is a good place to vent. You are among understanding friends.

I will give you my opinion. Like always, directly and straightforwardly. You deserve and are worthy of such honest and open feedback.

I also saw something again, proof of OW2 being with him during the summer when he was travelling. Conclusion, found the strength to confront him with this. I can’t and won’t allow this anymore.

“I can’t and won’t allow this anymore.” You don’t control that. You have no power to forbid nor disallow H from seeing OW2 or OW3,4,5. You can only control you.

Why is it when things seem to improve, suddenly this changes and the worst behavior comes out again.

That’s the way the MLCer’s path goes. An improvement means they have some clarity of their life and their choices. That clarity not only brings into the light their past but their present as well. And a MLCers present is not a pretty sight. Loads of guilt and shame and wrongful accusations towards their loving spouse and immoral behaviour and terrible parenting and on and on.

They see some and they dive back into the tunnel. Each time growing a bit, and faltering a bit. It’s lots to face. Unfortunately they do keep digging the hole they are in. They continue to run.

Rock bottom is when they decide to face it and stop digging / running. Until then, it’s cycle. One which the LBS needs not watch nor have expectations towards. Hope is good. Keep expectations dialed down to zero.

I need to let him go, really, I won’t allow it to be dragged into this once more.

That is completely within your control. Well, influence actually. I will discuss this further in our discussion.

I really want to find the strength now to get through this.

You have the strength. You lack the direction and focus. I will clarify.

When I came back from my trip I asked him how the visit with the psychiatrist went. He was very brief in his communication. That all went well, that he had loss trauma, and that he developed learning disabilities because of that. Also that his Mother never has been a real M and that this was the cause of this, together with the divorce of his parents. I asked him if he would go again and he told me he received two names, but that they will most probably won't have time for him currently. He also said that he talked a lot with him and he told him things he needed to think through, that maybe he would go another time later this year, after he considered their conversation thoroughly. I guess this says it all.

Nope, this doesn’t say it all. H has only started to uncover his trauma. Like the tip of an iceberg, that is what he sees. More remains below the surface.

Be hopeful. H actually went and talked to someone. He sees and acknowledges some of his past. This is far more than my XW has ever done. Consider that.

Kids are fed up with the whole situation. They don't want to be with him anymore on a regular basis. He said some very painfull and embarrassing things which I won't put on here.

Discuss openly with kids their wishes. At 17 and 14, your three boys are old enough to make informed decisions. Talk with them individually first to ensure each speaks their heart and mind without any peer affect.

Give it a week. Repeat the conversation and ensure their resolve. If they are resolute, take steps towards that end.

For all of this, provide answers and guidance regarding whatever comes up. Morality and such is a pretty common theme and questioned tenet. I’m pretty sure your lads are on a good track. Encourage them to continue such a path.

Yesterday I created my own BD I guess. Confronted him with the fact that I saw proof of him being on trips with OW2 during summer and that this is adultory since we are still married. That this is too painful and that I don't want to be confronted with that. Been there once, don't want this anymore.

Yes, you did create your own BD.

I’m not sure you meant the wording you used. It is completely accurate. It is your BD!

Your are ending (destroying) your bargaining. That “expectation-filled hope H will see the light and all hs is doing to me and the kids” stance. Letting go the last ditch effort to hang on to what was once the norm.

During this time it is pretty common to have loads of anger as well.

He doesn't want to talk, always runs away so only option was to send him this message by text.

I have done this in a very polite, and friendly way. No clinging at all. Can't do that anymore. Way past this now.

Of course replied in a very manipulative and controlling way.

Well, not really. You had other options. Sending the text “felt” like the correct option.

This text serves it purpose for you. However, it did stir H and place a bunch of pressure upon him. Of course, his response was less than upfront.

He reffered to a conversation we had 3 weeks ago (he was tipsy to drunk then) whereby he mentioned that he had something going on with OW2 but that he doesn't know which direction this was going since he can't have a connection with anyone anymore, including her. So that there currently wasn't a relationship.

It so interesting how people can justify things. Notice what comes after “but”. Pure justification for what preceded it. In H’s view he is technically correct and therefore not lying.

This is why relationship conversations are not recommended nor going to lead to any resolution at the moment. H is broken.

He also stated in his messages that I've told him several times that I have let him go. That I was the one who wanted closure, and then he said "I can't be responsible for all you mind switches???'

They are masters of manipulation. H is turning the tables on you. Do not buy into his twisted justifications.

Told him that my view on things never changed, that emotionally I had to let him go, because the situation was too painfull but that I still stood for our marriage, that I clearly mentioned this during our last conversation and several times before.

To H, this placed you firmly on the shelf and waiting for him.

Less words is better.

Telling him you let go is much less effective than just doing it.

(which you can see in my previous threads)

Your conversation to H was for you, not H. This part in parentheses shows that. Yes, you’ve done all you can do. Give H to God and let go. It’s ok.

Therefore I need your guidance as to which ways this might go the following days.

Please know that I have reached the point whereby I will accept whatever direction this will go.
But I refuse to go on like this, I want to have answers, and they need to have a clear direction.

My dear friend, it’s not the answers you desperately seek, for you are still formulating the deep questions. Regardless, clear direction is still possible and helps with finding both question and answer.

For the 'talk" on Wednesday I'm planning to put him for an ultimatum(I know, this is pressure, but I'm fed up, yes this is emotional talk, but I don't care anymore)

For what’s it worth, those that say “I don’t care” actually do care. One who truly doesn’t care, doesn’t care enough to mention it, they just leave or move on or whatever.

So, let’s agree and admit you still care. (((Hug))) Bargaining is a weird place.

1/ Commitment to rebuilding relationship with homebase (= including children and me). He works on himself when coming back to home country, sees a psychiatrist on a regular basis.

2/ Go further with life without me by his side. House will be sold or can be bought in. D process can be started.

No ultimatum!

Why would you place your future and your decisions into H’s hands? By the way, one of those questions you are wanting an answer to. An answer you didn’t even know you wanted or needed.

This ultimatum is your. You are asking it of yourself. You are forcing and basing this upon your emotions. Do not pursue this course given that which is propelling you. Regret will follow. Decisions based upon feelings seldom lead to good directions for life.

I know he will choose the 2nd option but I'm ready for it. I don't want another night wasting my sleep feeling anxious because I'm kept in the dark and being threated like a doormat.
I have been more than 2.5 years in the dark now. There is and end to everything.

No, you do not know what he will choose. You expect he wil choose. And that is festering within you. Let go of that.

That is completely within your control. Well, influence actually. I will discuss this further in our discussion.

You have the strength. You lack the direction and focus. I will clarify.

You are only a doormat if you lay there. Right now, at this moment, you are letting go of bargaining. Letting go your emotional hanging on to what was once the norm. That feels bad! I know. Let it pass before making any major changes.

You are not a doormat. Standing is not being a doormat.

You have ample strength. Seriously, you do. What you’re not seeing - doing nothing is doing something.

You have plenty of strength to go with option 1 or 2. No doubts about that! Do you have the strength to not do either? Do you have the strength to focus on you and your life? To live your great life? Do you have the strength to let go?

We incorrectly equate strong and strength to hanging on or lifting or some action. True, in the physical realm strength is expressed in physical action. In the emotional realm, true strength is expressed in stepping back and not grabbing on.

We all can rush in and offer help and hope and feelings and such. It takes a high EQ and strength to remain calm and do what is actually required, rather than what we feel to be.

This is most true in our own lives. We live our life. We control ourselves. We benefit from good decisions and suffer consequences for poor decisions.

Your anxiety-filled sleep is from within. Nothing to do with H. Counterintuitive, yes? It is a good thing that it has nothing to do with H, otherwise you’d not be able to find peace.

Eagle, you will find your internal peace. And it will not come from option 1 or 2.

I understand your frustration and feeling that you are living in the dark. Step out of it. Step into the light.

As I said, the questions and answers you are seeking are not what you think they are. They are both within you, awaiting your own kind of awakening.

As bargaining dies, hope fades. Anger rises for a while. Be emotionally strong and stay your path. Return your focus to you. As the anger fades, depression sets in, replacing our feelings and hope for that which was once the norm.

This too shall pass. Depression passes. Acceptance will be found. Have faith. Hope returns. Love returns. Life returns. All anew and stronger than before.

Depending upon on our choices along the way, sets our path and somewhat the eventual outcome. Doing nothing is doing something. Besides, you’ll have plenty sorting out to do inside you.

Sword and shield my friend. Control what you can. Influence what you will.

Does this mean I'm giving up all the way? No, I'm giving up the current marriage and situation.

Letting go is not giving up. Be careful of your wording. You are not giving up.

So, do you want a divorce? Do you want to end your marriage?

Divorced or not, changes nothing with what H is doing. Your pushing of this is an attempt to get him to awaken. It will have the opposite effect. Unless you need the financial protection and security from a divorce, let go this course.

Let go bargaining. Let go the situation. Get though depression. Find acceptance. Become healed and whole. Then make your decisions.

Direct and straightforward. I believe you are worth such investment. What do you believe?

D