I had an interesting conversation with D13 last night. She has a bit of a cold so, just to be on the safe side, hasn’t been going to school. She came to get some clean laundry out of my room and then sat on my bed talking with me while I folded the laundry.
She started talking about her social network at school and how many of her friends come from divorced homes. I, of course, told her how sorry I am that she was part of that number and that it wasn’t something I had wanted for her and her brother. She told me that she knew this and doesn’t blame me for any of it. She said she has lots of questions about it but doesn’t feel safe asking her dad because she worries he would get mad at her for asking and also doesn’t trust he would be honest with her. As she gets older and starts to think more about her past experiences, she is remembering meeting two or three women who she doesn’t think were known to me at the time. She even remembers having a bunk bed at someone’s house which is really weird as I do not recall the kids being away overnight. But…now that I think about it, this could have happened when I was out of town. I would sometimes travel for work and go away to visit my mom or sister a few times a year. Crazy to think about but then again, when it comes to XH, nothing surprises me anymore. She may also be remembering her nanny as they did stay with her and her family a couple times when they were about 8 years old but who knows? When it comes to XH, I don’t trust that any of what he told me was happening (i.e. He made the arrangements and took them to the nanny’s, not me. So he could have lied about where they were going.) I hate that I have to be suspicious of everything he told me back then.
Honestly, I no longer have any feelings about what he was doing in relation to how it impacts me. I am long over him. But I do still find myself getting angry when I have these conversations with my kids (SD21 included) because they have remembered being witness to their dad’s activities. It is one thing to cheat on your spouse, it is a whole other thing to involve your children in it. And it goes back a long way because SD21 has the same kind of memories only a few years after he and I got married. I just feel sick when I think about it.
These are really tough conversations to have. I told XH a long time ago that I would never lie for him. When/if our kids started to ask questions and make sense of their memories, I would answer as truthfully as I can (only knowing my experience of it). S13 rarely asks me anything. He has been very direct in saying he really doesn’t want to know because he loves both of his parents and doesn’t want any reasons to be angry. Having said that, he consistently tells me how much he hates going back and forth between houses and it makes him sad every time he has to do it. That is tough to take.
D13 is very different. She wants to understand why her life is the way it is and make sense of her memories. I always tell her that regardless of what happened between me and her dad, I have no doubt he loves her and her brother. When she has these memories, I don’t interpret them for her, I just tell her that I don’t know and that her memories are her memories and I believe her. It has led to a lot of discussions about relationships in general and how hard they can be. We talk about love being a choice and that it is important to always treat people the way you would want them to treat you so that hopefully her take away is not that “my parents are screwed up” but that she is responsible for her actions and that her happiness is completely dependent on her and her choices and not someone else.
She is also curious about what occurred between SD21 and her dad. I just tell her SD21’s experience of her dad is very different and leave it at that. She said she often gets upset about her dad’s attitude toward her sister because she loves her a lot and knows that she is a good person even if she doesn’t always make the best choices for herself. I told her that her dad has had a difficult time recognizing his part in the demise of their relationship and that it is easier for him to view it as a problem with SD21 than it is for him to take responsibility for what he did or, in many instances, failed to do. I hope he will be brave enough one day to try to fix things between them but that remains to be seen. Regardless, it is okay for her to love both of them and not to pick a side.
Anyway…not a heck of a lot else going on in my world these days. Continuing to get lot so likes on the dating sites but just not interested these days so I haven’t been engaging with anyone. I’ve been focusing on self improvement activities. Been watching my diet and working out five to six days a week which has really made a difference in how I feel day-to-day.
